He's gone again.

Mark left today. I'm not sure how I feel about it.... yet. I keep feeling like he's going to walk in any minute now and snuggle me, among other pleasant things, to sleep. But he's not. Another countdown begins; Thanksgiving becomes the next thing to look forward to.
Saying goodbye at the airport was different this time... there were no tears, just a tiredness in my heart. The airport goodbyes are such habit now that it becomes exhausting to think about the loneliness that will ensue. It was so matter-of-fact today, something that we had no control over so it wasn't worth making a fuss about. I don't believe that is any reflection of how we feel about each other; rather it simply shows how we feel about this long distance thing.

Two months ago I wrote that I was going to lose weight. I haven't. At ALL. I've got a ton of excuses, some of them actually legitimate, but mostly just nonsense. This gung-ho attitude followed by disappointment is my worst enemy... but this time around I felt disappointment from Mark, and it changed things a bit. Not just disappointment about the weight, but just a general disappointment in me. I'm not that sad about it, because he has all the right in the world to feel that way - It just changes things a bit. It forces me to think outside of myself in relation to my attitude and my appearance. I really need to make a change, a long term, slowly-but-surely change. Days seem to pass so slowly yet the months fly by. I don't understand where the time goes; why, in my quietest moments, it moves so slowly... yet when I blink my eyes it seems to have made up for that sluggishness by passing me by completely.

I'm not really sure how I feel right now. I have a fairly busy day tomorrow so all I really need to do is go to bed and get up at a decent hour.

My dogs are always affected whenever Mark leaves. They immediately notice the sudden availability of that side of the bed.

It's kinda nice to never have to sleep alone.

A September to Remember

I've been unemployed this entire month. I don't like talking crap about people when they sign my paychecks, so I haven't really divulged that my ex-boss was a total nut job. Seriously. The type of person that makes you kinda cock your head to one side and wonder what planet she may have come from that employs such illogical thinking. I mostly felt that my job was to serve as a buffer between her and the patients at her dental office; a mediator and a translator and mostly the one who would salvage relationships and keep patients from fleeing to another office, as justified as they were in wanting to leave.

Then after a while I found myself becoming more of a patient advocate, mostly fighting with her on their behalf and subtly pointing out her irrational ways of thinking. This started happening when I noticed how she was ripping people off unintentionally; she wasn't trying to screw them, she just seriously forgot that she made deals with them, then tried to collect the usual amount for the services provided - and be rude and send them to collections for not paying the new amount. She added unauthorized charges all the time - looking at a patient ledger was like solving a puzzle that was missing half the pieces. She seriously forgot things ALL THE TIME. Hell, she'd make me promises and forget them on a continual basis. It might have to do with that fact that she never ate anything except hershey's kisses and I rarely saw her drinking anything other than alcohol. I can't really summarize how nuts she was, all I can say is that it was a little frightening that a woman in her 50's, running a business, could be so dumb and nuts. I honestly went beyond the call of duty for this woman, namely when she subjected me to seeing her in the form of a tomato faced alien... I can't even slice tomatoes anymore without thinking about it.

We amicably parted ways; she threw away my time card because she thought I didn't need it, I told her it was unacceptable to destroy my records as they are my property, she felt threatened and told me that I was holding her hostage in her office and promptly pointed out the location of the door... but all without really firing me. She made it my choice, because she is not one to ever be held accountable for her actions, ever. What a relief to be out of there. All in all, I'm happier, even though my money situation is a bit scary - for now.

But about a week later, Mark came into town and everything was all better. The timing was pretty great - I mean, now would be the time to be unemployed. He's here to kick my ass if I am slacking on the job hunt and he's here to lift my spirits when I start feeling down.

And it has gotten ugly, probably worse than ever before. Something happens when I get incredibly depressed, and it's something that I can remember happening since I was about 6 years old. I just don't want to live. And I sit here now and type this and I KNOW it's ridiculous because I've seen the firsthand effects of suicide and how terrible it is. It's just an awful awful thing... yet I go to this place once in a while and none of that even registers. And it's not some tormented, bloody, "oh look at me I want to die! life sucks!" kind of thing; it's a very peaceful, "I don't like this game and I'd like for it to be over" way of thinking that just surrounds me. It's overwhelming and deafening. It's my darkest secret.
I'm writing about it because it's something that I need to deal with by figuring out exactly what sets off this behavior; what it is that knocks over that first domino. It's a bit scary, but I need to be open and honest with myself and others about this.

I've been unemployed on mandatory vacation for 17 days. Things are looking up on the job hunt so far and I'm a bit excited about the prospective jobs that I might have. I'm shooting high because I have nothing to lose, however if I am not employed by month end, I will get a job that is easy to obtain and easy to drop when a better one comes around.

I love that Mark is here, even if it is only for a few more days. What would normally be a ridiculously stressful time has become a very wonderful opportunity to spend more time with the person I love the most. I think I may have needed this break from things. It has set me back a bit financially, but it has benefited me emotionally tenfold. And I'm completely satisfied with my relationship with Mark; I'm just so very confident about us, our future, our everything. It's funny how I keep loving this person more and more every day.

We also did something completely insane that has brought us even closer, much to the surprise of everyone that knows about it. Ask at your own risk.

This post has been a bit up and down, but that's exactly how this month has been. I'm happy to say that all in all, things are going to be just fine. I am looking forward to what lies ahead.

This optimism has nothing to do with the ice cream I am about to eat. I promise.

A little over 100 miles from here...

Every few weeks, I really get into the Mexico/U.S. immigration issue; I dive head first into every bit of information that I can find, first hand accounts, articles... and a lot of extremist viewpoints. I don't know where I stand on the issue, I only know that it bothers me a lot. I don't like that I live my life day to day and I don't really think about it until I'm not busy doing the things that people are practically dying for every day.
So I submerge myself with all this information, as if the suffering is somehow lessened if I don't turn a blind eye to it - it's a nice idea, in theory, that my empathy and ganas to do something about it make it more tolerable to those going through terrible times and desperation, but that's simply not the case. Its overwhelming to think about most of the time because it affects so many people and it's so complicated - so many factors to consider, so many lives and families and.... raaaaagh! I can't even formulate my opinion because I can't wrap my head around it all. And because I don't have a concrete stance and solution to this whole thing, I don't go voicing my thoughts, I don't get into debates about it... because I just don't know what to say.

And I think that's why there hasn't been any progress with immigration. People who consider every angle don't have a surefire solution, whereas the voices we do hear are those who are on the very edge of each side of the issue: "open the borders!" they cry, or, "build a fence!" And neither makes any sense.

How many of us have been hungry? Or worked until our hands bled, yet still clasped them together to pray that one day things will be better, to live solely on faith because that's all we have, where death and illness are not tragedy, merely something that is a daily part of life, as common as waking up and watching the sun rise as another working day begins...

I can't say that I have. And not because I am deserving of living a better life, but simply because I was born here.

I don't know what I can do. I've found that people don't like to talk about sad things, especially when they can't offer a solution. I can only hope that I can find some way to make a change soon, however miniscule.