The Weekend

The wedding was amazing.

I looked fantastic.

Mark looked even better.

And, of course, we didn't take any pictures.
Actually, we snapped a few on Mark's phone, but after several requests, he has yet to send them to me. The wedding photographer took a bunch as well (because we're so good looking) so I am waiting to get a hold of those.

The best part of the evening was watching Mark interact with people that I've known and respected for while; they had heard so much about him in the last few months and were all excited to meet him, and he managed to impress every last one. Which really isn't some great feat... because he's just fantastic anyway. He didn't have to try to win anyone over, he was just his wonderful self.
It's just nice to know that he can fend for himself and that I didn't have to worry about him at all. Now that I think about it, he kinda upstaged me! ::gasp::

Another highlight of the evening was meeting the groom's two sons and their girlfriends. We were seated at the same table and had a ridiculously good time. There was no awkwardness and we all just got along as if we'd been friends for years. Again, Mark was fantastic. And I had too much wine. I knew this because my Caesar salad was hilarious and I kept clanging my silverware against everything in an attempt to have control over my motor functions.

And of course, it being a wedding.....
I couldn't even walk the next day.

not because I had a debilitating sexual encounter, but because I wore high shoes and danced all night and I woke up with painful and swollen feet.

We slept in until 11 the next day, went to lunch and a movie with Holly and MM.. and then just went home and were lazy for the remainder of the evening. It was really nice.

He left early early Monday a.m... and I'm proud to say that I only sobbed for 5 miles after dropping him off at the airport.

Best weekend ever. :D

update: I found pictures!!

The official goal is...

30 lbs in 3 months.

I set up a fitness/diet plan for the next four months. As much as I'd like to just lose the weight and say, "Look at how good I am!" the fact is that I am getting outside help for this.
Because honestly, if I don't start now... will I ever?

My hunny is coming home tomorrow! And the wedding is Saturdaaaaaaaaaay and I'm oh so excited.

G'nite!

Ummm..

I went to this fitness place for a test run on the machines. (Not literally a run; I only run after ice cream trucks.)
I stepped on the high tech scale and it said that I was 5 lbs lighter than I had thought. Yay.
Then it said I was obese. Then it said I had the metabolism of a 44 year old.
OBESE? Stupid scale. I don't even jiggle that much.

But you see... they say that 40 is the new 30.
Well, for me, 44 is the new 22. So take that.
I understand the error in my logic.. but I will pay no attention to it.


i'm in denial denial denial

The Great Escape

It was hot, I was panicking, I didn't know if I'd make it out alive. I could hardly breathe. I contemplated calling for help, but I didn't. I had gotten myself into this mess and I knew that only I could get myself out. "Please god, let me get out of this," I thought.
I almost gave up, but with patience and determination...
I managed to get out of the size 10 dress that I had somehow squeezed myself into.
I'm surprised that I didn't dislocate my shoulder.

I had to be absolutely positive that it wouldn't fit before I headed out to find a new dress. It didn't.. at all. No way.

I'm not a fan of shopping. I like acquiring new things, but the whole "why can't this just fit???" thing really makes me dread trying on anything. But you know what? Today wasn't bad. I'm chubby, I'm working on it, so whatever. I found a dress that I absolutely ADORE, not only because I look great in it, but also because it was on sale for about $100 less than the original price. I really really lucked out.

I'm not letting my weight get the best of me this time. I don't care that a friend commented, "You better not eat for a week!" as she zipped up my dress. I'm chubby and I'm totally going to work it. I'm going to have a good time... and I'm going to look good. Like every other woman, I have been waaaaaay too hard on myself. For the past five years, I've really disliked my body but never really did anything about it except complain.

My dress is a size 12. I am embracing it because this will be the last time that it fits me snugly. This is my chubbiness grand finale. And I'll smile the entire time, because dammit, I'm beautiful.

What the..

I'm a few days behind this, but if you haven't seen this yet, take a look. Hang on to your wallet and keep your mouth closed.

Executive Order: Blocking Property of Certain Persons Who Threaten Stabilization Efforts in Iraq

I'm really not going to comment on it because I've lost all motivation and energy to form any opinion about politics. Normally I'd be all over this, but this administration has really just been one disappointment after another. Hopefully I'll bounce back in a few years... what is a shame is that a lot of people that I know have also lost interest in our government, so I can imagine the wide-scale impact this administration has had on people ages 18-26... and just about everyone else who isn't stubbornly hanging on to the republican ticket.

See, no comment at all.

On a lighter note... One week until my love comes back... just a quick weekend stay in order to attend a fantastic wedding that I have been looking forward to since forever. I still need to buy a dress, which reminds me...

On a heavier note... in an attempt to be on a "diet", foods that I would normally never eat, like McDonald's and other unhealthy things, have suddenly become so very appealing to me. And it doesn't help that there were THREE birthdays in the first week of my diet. THREE. That's Cake x 3. You can't not eat cake on someone's birthday...

And for some reason, by becoming regimented about what I eat and when, I've also become very imaginative about what I would rather be eating... so I don't feel that I've lost any weight whatsoever. I feel like I've gained weight, although that may not be true... I am not stepping on that scale until a week from now. I'm just going to be a good girl.

NO MORE BIRTHDAYS!
CANT YOU SEE THAT I AM DIETING????

Diet Diary, Day 3:

I am abandoning you today. I will happily surrender myself to the chocolate cake's siren song scent.

What I Least Expected

I don't blog because I don't feel like anything new is going on. I don't feel that I have any witty stories or experiences worth sharing... yet when I do have the urge to just sit and write, I get this feeling that too many things have happened since the last post and there is just no way to provide an update that could include everything.
Makes no sense to me.

Also I am trying to cut the habit of only writing when something is wrong. I've figured out that I don't like talking about the bad stuff, so I write instead. But when things are great or nice, I'm quick to talk about it and leave it off the blog.
I'm sure this isn't uncommon.

So this is a mix of both. Normally I'd be sitting here talking about the past, how I miss my father and how his death affects me to this day, the little things that constantly remind me of him and prod at my heart in an unpleasant manner and the other intricacies of grief that sneak up on me on a daily basis.
Thursday, July 12th, was the 5th anniversary of my father's death.
There is something odd about 5's and their multiples. Something... like if you were to write out the number of years since a person's death, it would look like this:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

Why? I'm not sure. I always thought it was something specific to me; my mother died when I was 5 so when I turned 10, the 5 years that she had been gone equalled half of my life and it scared me a bit... and when I turned 15, the ratio of time she had been in my life had been reduced to a third... so 5 has always been this alarming number to me.

But this 5 year anniversary was different. Instead of having it cause me to reflect on the past, it opened my eyes to the future. A certainty that I would normally consider arrogant had appeared before my eyes.

The days leading up to the 12th threw me for a loop. I couldn't find my car in parking lots (my big red truck had become so elusive), I wanted to just stay in bed, and a skin condition that popped up a year ago around this time mysteriously surfaced again -- Almost to the day it did last year.

The 11th was uneventful, a quiet dinner alone followed by the squink squink sound of a windex bottle as I wiped windows and mirrors clean... the occasional glance at myself in the mirror, the reflection of a slight smirk as I realized that once again, I was trying to postpone any sad feelings by distracting myself with the celebratory feelings of finally removing that rust stain on the bathroom sink.

I'm no stranger to feeling alone, and although that feeling has substantially decreased over the past year, it is around this time of year that it reaches it's peak. I surrendered to this feeling yet again, and armed with my cup of tea, I went to bed. I laid there for about an hour until the phone rang. It was Mark. It was 2am. He was at my door.

When I felt most alone, he was there. It was like a dream.... but I should have known better. He's Mark, he's amazing, and although I don't expect him to do these things, I am fully aware that he is capable of making me incredibly happy. The kind of happy that makes your eyes well up when you think about it, the kind of happy that you wish you could cut into pieces and give to your friends because it feels like so much happy shouldn't all go to one person.

The kind of happy that makes you certain of your future.

.

It's so quiet in my house.
I want to smell my father's coffee, my mother's perfume
hear the whirring sound of his machines as he works in the garage, that bellowing laughter of his,
or the soft sound of my mother singing some song in Spanish

sometimes i hear them, just for a moment, and it's comforting. And then it's just sad.
Because it gets quiet again. I'm the only one here.

I get like this around my birthday, usually. Adding another year to my age immediately reminds me of how long they've been gone.

But this year it's hitting me early. I can't even explain what has been going on with me these past few weeks. I've lost my sense of time it seems. I'm standing still in a dark room and the days are flying past me and I can't seem to take hold of anything. I can't grab onto the dates long enough to take care of menial tasks like returning phone calls or taking care of those routine things like bills and chores...

And I'm numb. I can make a list of the wonderful things in my life but they prove to be no match against this relentless current that keeps pulling me down. What's most frightening is that I'm losing the energy to keep fighting; struggling to keep afloat just doesn't seem worth it anymore. Because with every new breath i get pulled under again. I just want to stay under, I want to close my eyes and let this game be over already. I don't want to play this game anymore.

But that's ridiculous. And I know that.
So perhaps I've been so busy fighting this inner battle that I've failed to notice what day it is and who I've neglected.
It's affecting my health, and in all certainty, if you are reading this, it has somehow affected you.

This is not who I want to be, and it's frustrating that my situation and circumstances are really changing who I am to the very core of my character. I feel like I am turning into a hopeless, negative, cynical person. I feel it most when I try to envision my future and I see nothing, or when that tiny voice tries to tell me that things are going to be okay and I dismiss it as nonsense.

I don't like where I am right now. I don't like who I am right now.
But I don't feel that I have any control over it anymore.

So I'll keep doing what needs to be done, keep my animals fed and the utilities turned on, and I'll just wait. Something good is bound to happen. I'm clinging to that tiny shred of optimism; it's all that I have left.

.

i'm so lost right now.
i'm tired of being strong, i'm tired of the battles
i just want things to be within reach; i want happiness that doesn't come at a price.

i keep getting knocked down and I don't expect that to ever end... but it would be nice to be able to stand up long enough between each fall to appreciate the good things in my life, which I dont feel i am doing.

i hate these rough spots
i just want a break.

carton of ice cream, here I come

Apologies

Dear Blog,

I haven't abandoned you. I adore you and I know that I haven't been giving you the attention you deserve. I need you to know that its not you... its me.
Please don't think that the novelty has worn off and that I'm leaving you, no...

I'm still here! I just don't understand where the days are going! It's February???? SINCE WHEN? I just finished my last tin of Christmas cookies! I'm still saying happy new year! And, quite frankly, my life has been uneventful up until this past weekend :D :D :D

Okay so chew on that until I come back.
Back to work.

Love,
Rosario