Primitive living in a modern world

It's a hearty broth of anger, frustration and confusion, with a dash of worry, a few pieces of hopelessness, served in a dread bowl. Cause dread rhymes with bread. And that's funny to me at this point. That's how bad things are.

Here's the scene: My home looks like a construction site, things are either in storage or in a mysterious pile in the kitchen that no map could ever define. So my belongings are either limited or their location unknown. (Imagine spending more time trying to find a pen than it would have taken to craft such a useful tool.)
My refrigerator is no more. I really should clean it out, as this procrastination is not a worthy opponent to the disintegration that is occurring in there. My only method of cooking is a microwave. So that limits my diet to non perishables that are simply reheated in their own container, since I don't have any dishes.
I also have no means of transportation. A few months ago, I took my truck to EZ Lube to have the oil changed, and they somehow interpreted it as taking the oil out and sending me on my merry way -- until my car sounded like a washing machine. The dealership confirmed that they had ruined my engine, so for the past two months it's been this back and forth of them trying to take my vehicle to "their" mechanic, assuring me that I'd get a great replacement, then later finding out with the help of my glorious attorney that they were just going to put a junk engine in it all along. My truck is sitting at the dealership, untouched. EZ Lube has been paying for my rental for the past 2 months, which I know has cost them over $3,000 so far -- and they are now not so keen on paying it for another month, which means I need to take the car back until an agreement is reached. I'm taking it back on an empty tank, because there is no way in hell that I am going to spend the last money I have on a tank of gas. They can bill me later when things are not so tight.
So I'm relying on public transportation, which isn't too bad -- just time consuming. The stops are usually a good distance from my destination, which added to the 100+ degree weather, makes me need to be extremely motivated to be going wherever I'm going.

I still don't think I have it that bad, I just wonder how all this happens so quickly.
I don't like that it puts me in this terrible state of mind, especially when I am trying to figure out my future -- September is approaching very quickly. Will my house sell? Will I be able to afford a place? Do I need to find homes for my kids?
I'm hoping that I'm standing too close and that I cannot see the whole picture.

My last day at work is on Friday, thankfully. I'm taking Mrs. Socks in at some point to have some growths removed and her tail worked on, all with my last minute employee discount. I'm excited about that, but also trying to figure out how I'll get her there to have it all done.

AAAAAAAND my deaf male ferret has started becoming aggressive with my two older females, one who is blind and the other who is bald. I'm not sure if he's trying to be aggressive; he just gets on them and starts grooming them very vigorously, then chomps into them. They scream and he can't hear them, so he keeps doing it -- resulting in injured ears and terrified ladies. So now I've got him locked up in a spare bedroom. MEN.

So those are all the outside factors that are making my life just a tad bit less convenient than usual.

And I'm my normal mess, father's day is coming up and with all the decisions that are being made, I'm needing him more than ever before. It's been a lonely time for me. I'm a creature of affection, and right now I lack an emotional or physical closeness to anyone, and it's slowly tearing me down inside. I'm just walking through this maze with no real desire to find the end. It's great that I got accepted to school -- but as of right now, I'm content with that accomplishment. If I go, then great, but quite honestly, I am so tired of life.
It's interesting, because I can remember my grandmother telling me that my mother used to feel the same way -- She said she didn't want to live to be old, because it was something she didn't look forward to. She lived to be 35. It's not a suicidal thought, but something else... what can we call it? Danielle could come up with a term for it, I'm sure. Sometimes I think that I carry a degree of that; I just don't want to be around anymore, but it's not up to me to make that happen. It's upsetting because there are people fighting to live -- and I'd give them my life in a second if it were transferable.
It's not as dark as it sounds, really... I just feel like a spectator to everything that is happening. If it works out, that's great, and if it doesn't -- I'll make due.

And I re-read this and it doesn't even sound like the person I was, or the person I'd like to be. I don't know what to do about this. It just doesn't seem like a way to live.

A September to Remember

I've been unemployed this entire month. I don't like talking crap about people when they sign my paychecks, so I haven't really divulged that my ex-boss was a total nut job. Seriously. The type of person that makes you kinda cock your head to one side and wonder what planet she may have come from that employs such illogical thinking. I mostly felt that my job was to serve as a buffer between her and the patients at her dental office; a mediator and a translator and mostly the one who would salvage relationships and keep patients from fleeing to another office, as justified as they were in wanting to leave.

Then after a while I found myself becoming more of a patient advocate, mostly fighting with her on their behalf and subtly pointing out her irrational ways of thinking. This started happening when I noticed how she was ripping people off unintentionally; she wasn't trying to screw them, she just seriously forgot that she made deals with them, then tried to collect the usual amount for the services provided - and be rude and send them to collections for not paying the new amount. She added unauthorized charges all the time - looking at a patient ledger was like solving a puzzle that was missing half the pieces. She seriously forgot things ALL THE TIME. Hell, she'd make me promises and forget them on a continual basis. It might have to do with that fact that she never ate anything except hershey's kisses and I rarely saw her drinking anything other than alcohol. I can't really summarize how nuts she was, all I can say is that it was a little frightening that a woman in her 50's, running a business, could be so dumb and nuts. I honestly went beyond the call of duty for this woman, namely when she subjected me to seeing her in the form of a tomato faced alien... I can't even slice tomatoes anymore without thinking about it.

We amicably parted ways; she threw away my time card because she thought I didn't need it, I told her it was unacceptable to destroy my records as they are my property, she felt threatened and told me that I was holding her hostage in her office and promptly pointed out the location of the door... but all without really firing me. She made it my choice, because she is not one to ever be held accountable for her actions, ever. What a relief to be out of there. All in all, I'm happier, even though my money situation is a bit scary - for now.

But about a week later, Mark came into town and everything was all better. The timing was pretty great - I mean, now would be the time to be unemployed. He's here to kick my ass if I am slacking on the job hunt and he's here to lift my spirits when I start feeling down.

And it has gotten ugly, probably worse than ever before. Something happens when I get incredibly depressed, and it's something that I can remember happening since I was about 6 years old. I just don't want to live. And I sit here now and type this and I KNOW it's ridiculous because I've seen the firsthand effects of suicide and how terrible it is. It's just an awful awful thing... yet I go to this place once in a while and none of that even registers. And it's not some tormented, bloody, "oh look at me I want to die! life sucks!" kind of thing; it's a very peaceful, "I don't like this game and I'd like for it to be over" way of thinking that just surrounds me. It's overwhelming and deafening. It's my darkest secret.
I'm writing about it because it's something that I need to deal with by figuring out exactly what sets off this behavior; what it is that knocks over that first domino. It's a bit scary, but I need to be open and honest with myself and others about this.

I've been unemployed on mandatory vacation for 17 days. Things are looking up on the job hunt so far and I'm a bit excited about the prospective jobs that I might have. I'm shooting high because I have nothing to lose, however if I am not employed by month end, I will get a job that is easy to obtain and easy to drop when a better one comes around.

I love that Mark is here, even if it is only for a few more days. What would normally be a ridiculously stressful time has become a very wonderful opportunity to spend more time with the person I love the most. I think I may have needed this break from things. It has set me back a bit financially, but it has benefited me emotionally tenfold. And I'm completely satisfied with my relationship with Mark; I'm just so very confident about us, our future, our everything. It's funny how I keep loving this person more and more every day.

We also did something completely insane that has brought us even closer, much to the surprise of everyone that knows about it. Ask at your own risk.

This post has been a bit up and down, but that's exactly how this month has been. I'm happy to say that all in all, things are going to be just fine. I am looking forward to what lies ahead.

This optimism has nothing to do with the ice cream I am about to eat. I promise.

Back to School

I've registered for a math class this semester. As much as I would love to sign up for a full schedule, I just can't. I've come to accept that I cannot be a full time student at this point in my life, and it isn't due to lack of commitment or motivation... it's because of a lot of little things that frankly irritate me beyond belief. Thinking about it just evokes this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness... yes, i am dramatic... but it's only because I really want and need to go to school, and I can feel my brain shrinking due to inactivity. I sleep on my back because I'm afraid to wake up to pieces of unused cerebral matter on my pillow.

I can't go to school full time because I have to make money. I have responsibilities that I didn't really ask for, but will be fortunate to have in the long term. Right now, they hinder things. And by "they", I mean my mortgage and the costs associated with owning a home.

My cost of living is high. I have to get a well paying job to survive. I have to work full time. I can't get a better job without education. I cannot go to school full time because I am working full time. I cannot get financial aid to compensate for the money I'd be out if I went to school full-time. I get less aid for going half-time. So my only choice is to hardly go to school at all, which is fine with me because I need to do something. So at this point, I hardly qualify for aid at all... just a waiver for my school fees. I'm thankful for this, but there's a lot of running around in order to get this waiver. Nothing in life is free. My class will not cost me money, but it will cost a lot of effort and time. I have to resubmit papers that I have already submitted, namely my parents' death certificates.
Now I know this is how the world works, sometimes you just have to be repetitive to be part of the system, the bureaucracy, etc etc deal with it already my darling this is the way it goes...
But I am bit tired of schlepping my parents' death certificates back and forth to the financial aid office, I'm tired of the hardly audible "aww" when I hand them to the clerk, and the way they look at my date of birth to try and make sense of the situation. I wouldn't mind all of this if their sympathy resulted in more financial aid... hell, I'll bring in a photo album and shed some tears if the could just help me go to school full time. I have no problem playing the orphan card because frankly, my father would encourage me to do it. It's not something that I can change, so I might as well get the best use out of it.

Before I go through all of this fee waiver stuff, I have to fill out the FAFSA. This is the federal aid application which I have memorized by now and gotten absolutely nothing from. It specifically asks if I am an orphan so that my parents' finances are omitted. It also qualifies me as an independent student... which works against me. In a nutshell, it basically tells me : "We have determined that you can spend 20% of your yearly income on school, and since your tuition is less than that, we aren't going to help you. You are a big girl now, roll with it and make it on your own, my dear."

So tonight I will go home, dig up the necessary paperwork, hopefully get my classes for free and ravenously start school again. In the end, I still feel fortunate that I have these facilities available to me, that I can become educated, even if getting there requires a melodramatic blog post and a bit of paper shuffling.

But the most important question remains:
What will I wear for my first day night of school??? omg omg

.

It's so quiet in my house.
I want to smell my father's coffee, my mother's perfume
hear the whirring sound of his machines as he works in the garage, that bellowing laughter of his,
or the soft sound of my mother singing some song in Spanish

sometimes i hear them, just for a moment, and it's comforting. And then it's just sad.
Because it gets quiet again. I'm the only one here.

I get like this around my birthday, usually. Adding another year to my age immediately reminds me of how long they've been gone.

But this year it's hitting me early. I can't even explain what has been going on with me these past few weeks. I've lost my sense of time it seems. I'm standing still in a dark room and the days are flying past me and I can't seem to take hold of anything. I can't grab onto the dates long enough to take care of menial tasks like returning phone calls or taking care of those routine things like bills and chores...

And I'm numb. I can make a list of the wonderful things in my life but they prove to be no match against this relentless current that keeps pulling me down. What's most frightening is that I'm losing the energy to keep fighting; struggling to keep afloat just doesn't seem worth it anymore. Because with every new breath i get pulled under again. I just want to stay under, I want to close my eyes and let this game be over already. I don't want to play this game anymore.

But that's ridiculous. And I know that.
So perhaps I've been so busy fighting this inner battle that I've failed to notice what day it is and who I've neglected.
It's affecting my health, and in all certainty, if you are reading this, it has somehow affected you.

This is not who I want to be, and it's frustrating that my situation and circumstances are really changing who I am to the very core of my character. I feel like I am turning into a hopeless, negative, cynical person. I feel it most when I try to envision my future and I see nothing, or when that tiny voice tries to tell me that things are going to be okay and I dismiss it as nonsense.

I don't like where I am right now. I don't like who I am right now.
But I don't feel that I have any control over it anymore.

So I'll keep doing what needs to be done, keep my animals fed and the utilities turned on, and I'll just wait. Something good is bound to happen. I'm clinging to that tiny shred of optimism; it's all that I have left.

.

i'm so lost right now.
i'm tired of being strong, i'm tired of the battles
i just want things to be within reach; i want happiness that doesn't come at a price.

i keep getting knocked down and I don't expect that to ever end... but it would be nice to be able to stand up long enough between each fall to appreciate the good things in my life, which I dont feel i am doing.

i hate these rough spots
i just want a break.

carton of ice cream, here I come