A September to Remember

I've been unemployed this entire month. I don't like talking crap about people when they sign my paychecks, so I haven't really divulged that my ex-boss was a total nut job. Seriously. The type of person that makes you kinda cock your head to one side and wonder what planet she may have come from that employs such illogical thinking. I mostly felt that my job was to serve as a buffer between her and the patients at her dental office; a mediator and a translator and mostly the one who would salvage relationships and keep patients from fleeing to another office, as justified as they were in wanting to leave.

Then after a while I found myself becoming more of a patient advocate, mostly fighting with her on their behalf and subtly pointing out her irrational ways of thinking. This started happening when I noticed how she was ripping people off unintentionally; she wasn't trying to screw them, she just seriously forgot that she made deals with them, then tried to collect the usual amount for the services provided - and be rude and send them to collections for not paying the new amount. She added unauthorized charges all the time - looking at a patient ledger was like solving a puzzle that was missing half the pieces. She seriously forgot things ALL THE TIME. Hell, she'd make me promises and forget them on a continual basis. It might have to do with that fact that she never ate anything except hershey's kisses and I rarely saw her drinking anything other than alcohol. I can't really summarize how nuts she was, all I can say is that it was a little frightening that a woman in her 50's, running a business, could be so dumb and nuts. I honestly went beyond the call of duty for this woman, namely when she subjected me to seeing her in the form of a tomato faced alien... I can't even slice tomatoes anymore without thinking about it.

We amicably parted ways; she threw away my time card because she thought I didn't need it, I told her it was unacceptable to destroy my records as they are my property, she felt threatened and told me that I was holding her hostage in her office and promptly pointed out the location of the door... but all without really firing me. She made it my choice, because she is not one to ever be held accountable for her actions, ever. What a relief to be out of there. All in all, I'm happier, even though my money situation is a bit scary - for now.

But about a week later, Mark came into town and everything was all better. The timing was pretty great - I mean, now would be the time to be unemployed. He's here to kick my ass if I am slacking on the job hunt and he's here to lift my spirits when I start feeling down.

And it has gotten ugly, probably worse than ever before. Something happens when I get incredibly depressed, and it's something that I can remember happening since I was about 6 years old. I just don't want to live. And I sit here now and type this and I KNOW it's ridiculous because I've seen the firsthand effects of suicide and how terrible it is. It's just an awful awful thing... yet I go to this place once in a while and none of that even registers. And it's not some tormented, bloody, "oh look at me I want to die! life sucks!" kind of thing; it's a very peaceful, "I don't like this game and I'd like for it to be over" way of thinking that just surrounds me. It's overwhelming and deafening. It's my darkest secret.
I'm writing about it because it's something that I need to deal with by figuring out exactly what sets off this behavior; what it is that knocks over that first domino. It's a bit scary, but I need to be open and honest with myself and others about this.

I've been unemployed on mandatory vacation for 17 days. Things are looking up on the job hunt so far and I'm a bit excited about the prospective jobs that I might have. I'm shooting high because I have nothing to lose, however if I am not employed by month end, I will get a job that is easy to obtain and easy to drop when a better one comes around.

I love that Mark is here, even if it is only for a few more days. What would normally be a ridiculously stressful time has become a very wonderful opportunity to spend more time with the person I love the most. I think I may have needed this break from things. It has set me back a bit financially, but it has benefited me emotionally tenfold. And I'm completely satisfied with my relationship with Mark; I'm just so very confident about us, our future, our everything. It's funny how I keep loving this person more and more every day.

We also did something completely insane that has brought us even closer, much to the surprise of everyone that knows about it. Ask at your own risk.

This post has been a bit up and down, but that's exactly how this month has been. I'm happy to say that all in all, things are going to be just fine. I am looking forward to what lies ahead.

This optimism has nothing to do with the ice cream I am about to eat. I promise.

Neurosis and a Cold Nose

I can't do a damn thing today. I'm anxious, I'm emotional... and I'm not getting anything done. I try to do something, and for whatever reason, I can't finish.
I was just out in the garage and I was trying to cut something in half with my table saw. Because of the size of the piece I'm trying to cut, I can only use my table saw.
But as soon as I switched it on, I was afraid. AFRAID! I think I made a cut of about 3 inches before I turned it off. I couldn't do it. What the hell??? I am not like this! I've used that thing before. It is by no means my favorite but I've used it. Successfully.
So to calm down I decided to search the web on the dangers of table saws.

Kickback is caused when the blade catches the workpiece and violently throws it back to the rear of the saw, towards the operator. It can be thrown very hard and can injure the operator. It is not uncommon for the object to have high enough velocity to become embedded in a wall or to cause other damage or injury.

Oh hell no. Not happening.

I'm one of those folks that can't relax when things need to get done.
But I'm also too anxious and nervous to do anything. I can't explain this at all.
My Handsome man did a great job at calming me down earlier with the magic of his logical reasoning and kind words, but the effects only lasted a good 20 minutes.

There are just a bunch of tiny things that are bothering me. chomp chomp chomp... that's all I hear. Teenytiny termites eating away at my construction. Of course I'm shaky! I feel like I'm about to fall apart.
I will be fine tomorrow. I just don't know what to do now to calm myself down. Every little thing is either getting on my nerves or stressing me out. AARRRRRRGGGGHHHH.

My dog wont stop following me around the house, won't let me use the bathroom alone (he scratches at the door) and every time I've sat down to do stuff on the computer, he's nudged me or otherwise shocked me with a cold nose. Instead of labeling him needy and annoying, I am going to just tell myself that he senses that I am nutty today and he's just making sure I'm okay. And more annoyed.
Look at him! He has a big goofy head! STOP STARING AT ME! CAN'T I BE ALONE FOR ONE SECOND?!

Breathe
Breathe
Breathe

So I give up on getting things done today. I am in no condition to be operating heavy machinery anyway, right? I am going to snuggle with Diego, make myself a cup of decaffeinated Cafecito Con Leche and try to read the book that my dear friend Danielle sent me for Christmas.