Primitive living in a modern world

It's a hearty broth of anger, frustration and confusion, with a dash of worry, a few pieces of hopelessness, served in a dread bowl. Cause dread rhymes with bread. And that's funny to me at this point. That's how bad things are.

Here's the scene: My home looks like a construction site, things are either in storage or in a mysterious pile in the kitchen that no map could ever define. So my belongings are either limited or their location unknown. (Imagine spending more time trying to find a pen than it would have taken to craft such a useful tool.)
My refrigerator is no more. I really should clean it out, as this procrastination is not a worthy opponent to the disintegration that is occurring in there. My only method of cooking is a microwave. So that limits my diet to non perishables that are simply reheated in their own container, since I don't have any dishes.
I also have no means of transportation. A few months ago, I took my truck to EZ Lube to have the oil changed, and they somehow interpreted it as taking the oil out and sending me on my merry way -- until my car sounded like a washing machine. The dealership confirmed that they had ruined my engine, so for the past two months it's been this back and forth of them trying to take my vehicle to "their" mechanic, assuring me that I'd get a great replacement, then later finding out with the help of my glorious attorney that they were just going to put a junk engine in it all along. My truck is sitting at the dealership, untouched. EZ Lube has been paying for my rental for the past 2 months, which I know has cost them over $3,000 so far -- and they are now not so keen on paying it for another month, which means I need to take the car back until an agreement is reached. I'm taking it back on an empty tank, because there is no way in hell that I am going to spend the last money I have on a tank of gas. They can bill me later when things are not so tight.
So I'm relying on public transportation, which isn't too bad -- just time consuming. The stops are usually a good distance from my destination, which added to the 100+ degree weather, makes me need to be extremely motivated to be going wherever I'm going.

I still don't think I have it that bad, I just wonder how all this happens so quickly.
I don't like that it puts me in this terrible state of mind, especially when I am trying to figure out my future -- September is approaching very quickly. Will my house sell? Will I be able to afford a place? Do I need to find homes for my kids?
I'm hoping that I'm standing too close and that I cannot see the whole picture.

My last day at work is on Friday, thankfully. I'm taking Mrs. Socks in at some point to have some growths removed and her tail worked on, all with my last minute employee discount. I'm excited about that, but also trying to figure out how I'll get her there to have it all done.

AAAAAAAND my deaf male ferret has started becoming aggressive with my two older females, one who is blind and the other who is bald. I'm not sure if he's trying to be aggressive; he just gets on them and starts grooming them very vigorously, then chomps into them. They scream and he can't hear them, so he keeps doing it -- resulting in injured ears and terrified ladies. So now I've got him locked up in a spare bedroom. MEN.

So those are all the outside factors that are making my life just a tad bit less convenient than usual.

And I'm my normal mess, father's day is coming up and with all the decisions that are being made, I'm needing him more than ever before. It's been a lonely time for me. I'm a creature of affection, and right now I lack an emotional or physical closeness to anyone, and it's slowly tearing me down inside. I'm just walking through this maze with no real desire to find the end. It's great that I got accepted to school -- but as of right now, I'm content with that accomplishment. If I go, then great, but quite honestly, I am so tired of life.
It's interesting, because I can remember my grandmother telling me that my mother used to feel the same way -- She said she didn't want to live to be old, because it was something she didn't look forward to. She lived to be 35. It's not a suicidal thought, but something else... what can we call it? Danielle could come up with a term for it, I'm sure. Sometimes I think that I carry a degree of that; I just don't want to be around anymore, but it's not up to me to make that happen. It's upsetting because there are people fighting to live -- and I'd give them my life in a second if it were transferable.
It's not as dark as it sounds, really... I just feel like a spectator to everything that is happening. If it works out, that's great, and if it doesn't -- I'll make due.

And I re-read this and it doesn't even sound like the person I was, or the person I'd like to be. I don't know what to do about this. It just doesn't seem like a way to live.

I've been laying in bed most of the day, which considering my history, is a bit troublesome. I have a tendency to retreat here in an attempt to barricade myself from reality and solely listen to my own negative thoughts. Thoughts you may consider silly -- and that I will consider ridiculous in retrospect.
Things are feeling rather hopeless, I am doubtful, yet serenely apathetic. I stare at my ceiling and consider what it will be like a few months from now when my house doesn't sell and i'm in debt up to my eyeballs, having lost my chance at going to school yet again and having nothing to look forward to. I try to imagine that you won't leave me, but considering how unpleasant I will become, I wouldn't be surprised if you did. I realize how severely pessimistic this is... but having accepted this guarantees that I will not be let down.
It is better not to care; there is nothing worse than being bludgeoned by unfortunate events with an optimistic smile on your face, led only by mediocre hopes and ultimately falling exponentially harder into an abyss of failure -- something easily avoided by simply expecting nothing at all and taking it day by day.

No money
no food
no fridge

i'm lonely

i'm fucking tired of this orphan thing

i'm tired of my stoicism

i am tired of this life.


but what does it matter? I am one of billions of people on this planet, many whose hierarchy of needs aren't even satisfied on the most basic level, yet here I complain, typing away on my laptop computer in my air-conditioned home...
what a joke.

My Supervisor has the IQ of a jelly donut.

Trash. Donate. Keep.

I've been busy -- more so than when I use that phrase as a simple excuse. Honest to goodness busy. The kind of busy where you don't even know what the date is or what is happening in the next few days; you just wake up and tackle whatever is coming your way with no planning.

The kind of busy where you look down at you legs and swear up and down that you JUST SHAVED THEM but realize it's been more like a week since they've been anywhere near a razor.

My entire life has been reduced to boxes in a storage unit, and it's oh-so-wonderful. My house is now empty and uncarpeted, and I've taken refuge in what was once the ferret room, with only my mattress and laptop to keep me entertained. It's a bizarre waiting-for-the-future-to-get-here-already feeling. I am very ready to get to Davis and do my school thing. I am tired of working in the corporate mess that my animal hospital has become -- and I'm tired of working directly under someone who is, well, stupid. There's no other way to put it. My supervisor was promoted due to seniority rather than intelligence or common sense or TACT and everyday I try to keep my eye on the prize and not get supremely irritated. Ah, the mediocrity. I will not miss it. I will miss the dear friends that I made there, especially Chrissy. You don't really meet people like her very often because they just don't exist in great numbers.

I am very thankful that I've been in the workforce for 5 years with only a high school diploma as my highest level of education. I've been fortunate to nab jobs simply because I nailed the interview; I really have nothing on paper that gives me any intellectual credibility. I know the reality of what difference an education can make, and I'll never take that for granted.

It's also been a lonely past few months... my ferret and my grandmother died in the same weekend, Mark went back to school, and I sorted through an entire house and lifetime of memories. Trash. Donate. Keep. That's been the summary of this transition. Danielle is in Brazil, and I'm secretly jealous that she got to start her new life before me, and that she's in the middle of what will become my favorite chapter in her memoir.

I'll probably talk more about the grandmother's death in more detail as the emotions hit me. I'm so removed from it all right now that I haven't gotten past the initial shock of it all. I know that once I get to school I'll really want to tell her all about it because that was something that would have made her incredibly happy. I'm really not sure if I'll go to Mexico again, because she was my reason for going. I do have other family there, but it would just be odd. The 1000 miles to get there would pale in comparison to the emotional journey I'd be facing. We'll see. I'm trying not to think about the fact that the three people that were instrumental in my upbringing are all dead now... and I'm not really done growing up. It's a constant feeling of WAAAAAAAAIT don't go just yet there are more questions and I need your answers.
Luckily, even if the answers aren't there in real-time, I still hear them in the back of my mind. That's really the best reassurance there is.



I found this when I was going through my dad's old tax paperwork, and it made me really happy. My father was as new to grief as I was when my mother died, and yet he was such a pro when it came down to it. He listened, he was honest, and he got me through it. And finding this -- the fact that he held onto it -- just reminds me of how remarkable he was.

And that pretty much sums up my grief at this point in life: Uggggh they were so great why the hell are they gone? (insert sounds of frustration here)

And... that's about it.
I'm just standing here,
smack in the middle of a tight rope walk,
suspended between where I was and where I'd like to be...

but without the urge to jump.

Happy Day

So what did I do today?

1. I bottle-fed newborn puppies
   
2. I got accepted to UC Davis.
3. I had fried ice cream in celebration.

I don't think it gets any better than that.

Procrastination...

Of course. I have things I should be doing, yet I suddenly have the urge to write on my little blog. How convenient! But really, who am I to quell this unexpected writing spark?
There are all sorts of things going on, especially next month. Right now is a calm before a giant storm maelstrom of change. Good things, scary things, but all necessary things... here they are in no particular order.

• UC Acceptance Letters: I hope. The last half of March is when I will be receiving my little letters of happiness. Keep in mind that I submitted my applications back in November, so I am starting to get a bit antsy... I mean, going off to school means relocating, which means Mark needs to find a job in that area, which means I need to sell my house and get a place where ever I go, which would require the house being in my name already....
• End of Probate: The final court hearing is in the beginning of March. After over a year of court hearings and paperwork, the house will finally be out of my father's name and into mine.
  
• FAFSA: I need to complete this dreaded financial aid thing by March 2nd. I dread it because every time I've completed it, it tells me that that I don't need any financial aid. "hello? did you see the question about being an orphan??" So this will be more interesting than anything, because I expect nothing from it. Prove me wrong, FAFSA!
  
• Holly's Wedding: The highlight of this crazy time... a chance to get away for a weekend with great people celebrating something really great. I don't really count this as stressful (as i'm sure she does) but it is something that requires preparation, mainly because I'll see Mark again after almost 2 months...
• Losing Weight: I'm down 11 pounds so far. I've cut out all my sugar and have been more active. I've even gone to the gym! Just for cardio, though. I'm still too intimidated by the strength training machines. I think it's been a little over a month since I finally got motivated enough to shed the pounds AND do something about it. It hasn't been hard at all. It's simply been a choice that I have to make every morning. It's not some giant obstacle anymore. You just get some momentum and eventually it becomes habit. I'd like to lose a little more in the next few weeks so that I can buy a cute dress for the wedding, because...
• Mark comes back! Okay, this is not supposed to be on my stressful list, but dammit, he has had to listen to my dieting woes since he went back to Utah, so I need to at least have something to show for it. And you know, weddings do that thing where you get all lovey dovey and um, well, I wanna look good naked. That's pretty much the gist of it.
• Roommate out: I should really make a post dedicated to this. I cannot wait for her to move out at the end of this month.
  
• My Birthday: I'll be 23 on March 19th. I'm tired of not really doing anything exciting to celebrate. I want to do something neat this year... so I still need to come up with that. Also, weighing less would be great. Every year I've made this promise to myself that, "for my xx birthday, I want to look great!" This is mostly because I always hear women talking about the body they had in their 20's. Um.. if this is this is the body I'll be reminiscing about one day, then I'm in trouble.
  
• Mark's Graduation: This should be in June. By then we'll know where I'm going to school and he will hopefully have found a job in that area. At this point I'll hopefully be in the process of putting my house on the market and getting ready to move. It's a bit of a gray area for both of us because we have no clue how things are going to fall into line. Will he go there first and start working? Get a temporary apartment on his own? What if he doesn't find a job? Who will help me move? Etc Etc Etc. I'm not thinking about it until I get there.

I need to do my taxes. Right. Now.
go go go go

It's not about you, it's about me.

Beck - Lost Cause Lyrics

Your sorry eyes cut through the bone
Make it hard to leave you alone
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new
[chorus]:
Baby you're a lost, baby you're a lost
Baby you're a lost cause

There's too many people you used to know
They see you coming, they see you go
They know your secrets, and you know theirs
This town is crazy, nobody cares

[chorus]
I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause
There's a place you are going
You ain't never been before
No one laughing at your back now
No on's standing at your door
That's what you thought love was for

[chorus]
I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

Whitewater and the PCT

Although I've got a fun hike planned for tomorrow, I really was antsy today to get my blood flowing. And since Mark is now in Utah, this would require leaving the house. I called up a few Dog Park buddies and we headed out to Whitewater.

I am so very impressed with the beautiful restoration that is going on there. What used to be an old trout farm is now being turned into a Visitor facility, campground, and picnic area. They aren't officially open, however we were welcomed by very friendly folks from the Wildlands Conservancy.
It's just a great thing that they're doing up there. I had visited that area about a year ago and it looked like a dump. The fish farm had been closed for who knows how long and there were dilapidated homes and junk everywhere. It was definitely a breath of fresh air. I can't wait to check it out again when they're officially open.

The best part? We were only 1/2 mile away from the Pacific Crest Trail, a trail that runs from Canada to Mexico. So with our sights on Mexico, we headed up up and up. I think we traveled all of 3 miles or so, but the elevation gain was killing me! It was a short and sweet hike that only took us 2 hours.

Burnt remains and new life

Diego in his proudest moment.

Cow Tracks! There were cowpies everywhere.

Me and my Robert

Water Break

Whitewater River

Diego leading the way

The view driving home
Snowy Mt. San Jacinto


What will tomorrow bring?

I took a shower in the dark
scalding water numbed my skin
inhaling thick steam
a taste of reality

senses quelled
to truly listen to my heart.

Horse Thief Creek

Carrizo Canyon was closed. Boooooo.
There were trails in other directions, so after deciding which one to take, Diego and I headed west. That's when I noticed one of many "Dogs Prohibited" signs. I need to get an updated version of my hike book, because this hike was listed as Dog-Friendly. Not one to break the rules (or scare off those endangered Bighorn Sheep) we got back into the truck... I was a bit disgruntled and Diego was very confused.
Instead of wasting the day, we headed up Hwy 74 into the Santa Rosa mountains. Horse Thief Creek was our new destination, about 2.25 miles of ups and downs via the Cactus Springs Trail.

Right away we ran into an old dolomite mine. Abandoned things usually creep me out, but I figured any monster or zombie or combination of the two would be no match for my fearless Doberman.

I still did not have the nerve to approach the abandoned cars, simply because scary movies have imprinted me with assumption that there WILL be a skeleton at the wheel. I snapped my pictures and quickly made my way out of there.


Right after this sign was another sign that had nothing on it, leaving my imagination to come up with what it might have said.

The ecosystem up there is called Chapparal; a transition ecosystem between Desert and Forest. It was nice to look to my left and see my familiar desert plants, then look to the right and see some pretty heavily wooded areas. There was even a bit of snow visible south of where we were headed.

About 2 hrs later, we arrived at Horse Thief Creek. I munched on some beef jerky while Diego explored a bit. We also played fetch with rocks, because it's hilarious to watch Diego try to find the exact rock that I threw into the stream.

As we made our way back, I found a baby Gap hat near the Dolomite mine. My first instinct was to get freaked out by this, but after a little thought, I doubted the existence of a Baby Gap Ghost. I put it on Diego and he loved it, as you can see.

We managed to make it back before sunset. The entire hike took about 3 hrs.

We stopped at Vista Point on our way down the mountain. I'm not sure when they fixed it up, but it looks so much better now. It used to be a crappy gravel parking lot with beer cans everywhere. Now it has a new parking lot, a barrier wall, and this nice plaque. It's worth checking out if you ever pass by.

I'd like to return to that hike sometime and try my hand at going all the way to Cactus Springs. I'd have to be up and ready by like 7am... so maybe not. I'm just not that advanced yet.