More Sushi Feasting

There are so many things going on that it is just nicer to focus on one delicious highlight of my life:

Renelle loves sushi almost as much as I do. We had a roll competition tonight. It's pretty apparent that we both won.
What you see here are: 2 California rolls (Renelle made the one on the right, she got extra points for her snazzy presentation), a salmon avocado roll, and a Philadelphia roll. Yum! And of course, my salmon sashimi. Renelle isn't into salmon... so I had no choice but to eat all of it.
I think we're getting the hang of this. :)

Sushi JACKPOT

I'm writing this post with my friends Elena and Chrissy in mind.

My life is almost complete now that i've found you.

Anyone that knows me is aware of my severe sushi addiction, mainly salmon. Raw, delicious salmon. Cooked? Seared? Get that away from me! When I go to Seaworld, Shamu makes me cry and the fish make me hungry.
I found this website a few days ago when pondering the thought of cutting out the expensive middle man and making my own sushi.
Long story short: I've already gone through a pound of this stuff. I have 2 lbs left in my freezer.

I'm sure I wouldn't consume as much if I were eating rice, but right now I'm knocking carbs out of my diet for a little bit to get myself back on track. Maybe in a few weeks I'll make some sushi and rolls with brown rice. I was munching on my Cucumber-Seaweed salad when I was overcome with a delicious idea.

I had ordered Nori with my fish, and apart from the amusing packaging, it is something that is amazingly delicious.

The choicest NORI, the seafood is delicately seasoned and baked. It
brings to your table not only a smack of the sea but also a good health.

So here's what I have deemed Michelle's Amazing Do-it-yourself and Not Go Bankrupt roll..

Quarter up your nori, add your salmon and avocado, and roll it! Then eat it. Don't stand around and take pictures of it, because nori loses it's crunch rather quickly when you don't have rice to keep it from getting soggy.

That's all. Apart from it being pretty darn healthy, my entire meal was also raw. Sometimes I think people go a little overboard on raw diets, but I can see how it can be appealing. I feel nice and satisfied. And if you're ever a guest at my home, you'll be subjected to it. And by it, I mean the sushi thing. I'll leave the nice and satisfied thing up to you and your significant other.

the "Urban Hunter/Gatherer" diet

Although I feel very inconvenienced (but still fortunate in a hierarchy of needs scheme of things) I have noticed some nice aspects of not having a car. Apart from not spending money on gas and polluting the environment (dear god, she's turning in to a hippie!), I am forced to walk to the store. I have to make the simple barter that has existed for centuries that we all take for granted:

Trading your energy, in the form of exercising, for sustenance.

It sounds so simple, right? No one does it anymore. I can't even remember the last time I walked to the store. Well.... in Mexico I did, but that's the way everyone does it, and cities are built accordingly. It's ridiculously easier to walk to the market everyday to purchase the items you need for the day and support the local farmers than to drive to the Gigante and buy in bulk and make a giant trip to spend money on things that are from who-knows-where.
This could easily go into a discussion about local economy and small business vs. EVIL CORPORATIONS, but I will not digress. Danielle nicely sums up her experience about that here.

So as soon as it got down to 100 degrees or so (that would be 6pm in this lovely desert) I began my 1 mile trek to the grocery store. iPod? Check. Debit Card? Check. Water? Check. Mean face for the passing motorists who comment on my ass and or legs? Check.
Apart from drivers' blatant disregard for pedestrians such as myself (does a car stop at the first white line, or second one?), it was a nice little adventure.

I grabbed a basket and proceeded to fill it. When I was almost done, I became tired of carrying it. Then I realized that I needed to be able to schlepp my stuff home. Another 20 minutes were spent playing Grocery Survivor as I cast my vote for most important items, based on a) My stock of it at home, if any, and b) when would I really need it? Some items were switched out for smaller sizes and others were cast out of my basket to be picked up at another visit. You don't really ever notice how heavy a damn onion is. It didn't help that my list consisted of things like soy sauce, rice vinegar, Worcestershire, and tomato sauce.

I purchased one of those reusable grocery bags that no one ever buys and walked out of the store, only to feel horribly unbalanced. I quickly ran back in, bought another, and did my best to personify a pack mule. I made it home just as it got dark, so my total time was about 2 hours.

I've made a pledge to myself to get more exercise. Yesterday I took Diego for a walk around my neighborhood, which was only .8 miles. It was such a chore. Having a goal, like getting food, made this 2 mile walk seem effortless compared to yesterday. I just can't get exercise for the sake of exercise; I need to be doing something else that results in exercise as a side benefit. This may sound so very simple, but it's been what has been keeping me from getting into better shape.
Another obvious feature of the "Walk your ass to the store and carry your ingredients home" fitness plan is that you have to plan your meals ahead. Fast food is not an option; I am not going to walk a mile to eat crap that will only last one meal. I'd rather grab some groceries that will last me a few days. And I am not going to carry a gallon of ice cream home. I could just always eat it on the way home before it melts. I have a limit as to what I can carry and it's more practical to get things that are good for me.
By changing the [convenience to get there : longevity/quality of ingredients] ratio, meals suddenly become a lot healthier.

That's all. It all sounds so basic in retrospect, but I think it might be a simplified cause (one of many) of the the obesity crisis happening around us. In all fairness, I can't imagine following the above plan to feed a family of 4... which brings me to my discussion on why having too many kids... nevermind! haha. To each their own.

Oh, and one more thing: No more bottled water. I encourage you to read about just how lucky we are to have good drinking water flowing out of the tap. And while you're at it, read about what Dasani and Aquafina really are: Tap Water! It's the most ridiculous waste of money ever!

Don't like the taste of tap? Put a lemon in it! They aren't even that heavy!

Food and Thought

Miso soup: Simple, delicious, nutritious. I made a large pot of it that should last me a few days if I control myself from having it at every meal.

This is also the first meal I've cooked in a very long time. My kitchen has been somewhat of a construction zone for the past couple months, and although it still is not complete, it is finally in working order. Finally.

You mix soybean paste and hot water. That's essentially it -- but take care not to let it boil -- and when the temperature is right, sip it straight from the bowl. Add more ingredients if you like; I always throw in some seaweed, little tofu cubes, and scallions.

Mark left today. The house is quiet and empty, save a few pieces of makeshift furniture here and there. Most things in my house are vaguely categorized as miscellaneous, making them ridiculously difficult to deal with. A pile here, a pile there, unmoving, waiting to be assigned.

I like keeping my ingredients simple and balanced. The seaweed weightlessly dances in the broth, tofu stays anchored, and scallions scatter on the surface.

Then there are the things that need to be done, those errands that have been escaping me but still surround me. I can see them in my peripheral vision, like a stranger that is following me, but I'd rather not turn to look. I don't want to deal with these tasks just yet. Now that I'm alone, I'm sure they'll start taking precedence. Maybe I'll get to them tomorrow.

And then there are the stationary things strewn in my field of vision. I put my youngest ferret, Ricky, to sleep on Thursday. Friday marked six years since my father died. I was in a car accident last week. I'm still not completely certain that I'm going off to school until we get approved for a lease, which has become increasingly difficult. I don't have a car, but I really don't have anywhere to go anyway. My only real task is to finish sorting my house and my life.

I'm ready for it to be September already, I am ready to move, I am ready to focus on the things that I love. I'm ready to call this long-distance relationship a thing of the past. It's time to start a life together.

I'm ready to be myself again.

Primitive living in a modern world

It's a hearty broth of anger, frustration and confusion, with a dash of worry, a few pieces of hopelessness, served in a dread bowl. Cause dread rhymes with bread. And that's funny to me at this point. That's how bad things are.

Here's the scene: My home looks like a construction site, things are either in storage or in a mysterious pile in the kitchen that no map could ever define. So my belongings are either limited or their location unknown. (Imagine spending more time trying to find a pen than it would have taken to craft such a useful tool.)
My refrigerator is no more. I really should clean it out, as this procrastination is not a worthy opponent to the disintegration that is occurring in there. My only method of cooking is a microwave. So that limits my diet to non perishables that are simply reheated in their own container, since I don't have any dishes.
I also have no means of transportation. A few months ago, I took my truck to EZ Lube to have the oil changed, and they somehow interpreted it as taking the oil out and sending me on my merry way -- until my car sounded like a washing machine. The dealership confirmed that they had ruined my engine, so for the past two months it's been this back and forth of them trying to take my vehicle to "their" mechanic, assuring me that I'd get a great replacement, then later finding out with the help of my glorious attorney that they were just going to put a junk engine in it all along. My truck is sitting at the dealership, untouched. EZ Lube has been paying for my rental for the past 2 months, which I know has cost them over $3,000 so far -- and they are now not so keen on paying it for another month, which means I need to take the car back until an agreement is reached. I'm taking it back on an empty tank, because there is no way in hell that I am going to spend the last money I have on a tank of gas. They can bill me later when things are not so tight.
So I'm relying on public transportation, which isn't too bad -- just time consuming. The stops are usually a good distance from my destination, which added to the 100+ degree weather, makes me need to be extremely motivated to be going wherever I'm going.

I still don't think I have it that bad, I just wonder how all this happens so quickly.
I don't like that it puts me in this terrible state of mind, especially when I am trying to figure out my future -- September is approaching very quickly. Will my house sell? Will I be able to afford a place? Do I need to find homes for my kids?
I'm hoping that I'm standing too close and that I cannot see the whole picture.

My last day at work is on Friday, thankfully. I'm taking Mrs. Socks in at some point to have some growths removed and her tail worked on, all with my last minute employee discount. I'm excited about that, but also trying to figure out how I'll get her there to have it all done.

AAAAAAAND my deaf male ferret has started becoming aggressive with my two older females, one who is blind and the other who is bald. I'm not sure if he's trying to be aggressive; he just gets on them and starts grooming them very vigorously, then chomps into them. They scream and he can't hear them, so he keeps doing it -- resulting in injured ears and terrified ladies. So now I've got him locked up in a spare bedroom. MEN.

So those are all the outside factors that are making my life just a tad bit less convenient than usual.

And I'm my normal mess, father's day is coming up and with all the decisions that are being made, I'm needing him more than ever before. It's been a lonely time for me. I'm a creature of affection, and right now I lack an emotional or physical closeness to anyone, and it's slowly tearing me down inside. I'm just walking through this maze with no real desire to find the end. It's great that I got accepted to school -- but as of right now, I'm content with that accomplishment. If I go, then great, but quite honestly, I am so tired of life.
It's interesting, because I can remember my grandmother telling me that my mother used to feel the same way -- She said she didn't want to live to be old, because it was something she didn't look forward to. She lived to be 35. It's not a suicidal thought, but something else... what can we call it? Danielle could come up with a term for it, I'm sure. Sometimes I think that I carry a degree of that; I just don't want to be around anymore, but it's not up to me to make that happen. It's upsetting because there are people fighting to live -- and I'd give them my life in a second if it were transferable.
It's not as dark as it sounds, really... I just feel like a spectator to everything that is happening. If it works out, that's great, and if it doesn't -- I'll make due.

And I re-read this and it doesn't even sound like the person I was, or the person I'd like to be. I don't know what to do about this. It just doesn't seem like a way to live.

I've been laying in bed most of the day, which considering my history, is a bit troublesome. I have a tendency to retreat here in an attempt to barricade myself from reality and solely listen to my own negative thoughts. Thoughts you may consider silly -- and that I will consider ridiculous in retrospect.
Things are feeling rather hopeless, I am doubtful, yet serenely apathetic. I stare at my ceiling and consider what it will be like a few months from now when my house doesn't sell and i'm in debt up to my eyeballs, having lost my chance at going to school yet again and having nothing to look forward to. I try to imagine that you won't leave me, but considering how unpleasant I will become, I wouldn't be surprised if you did. I realize how severely pessimistic this is... but having accepted this guarantees that I will not be let down.
It is better not to care; there is nothing worse than being bludgeoned by unfortunate events with an optimistic smile on your face, led only by mediocre hopes and ultimately falling exponentially harder into an abyss of failure -- something easily avoided by simply expecting nothing at all and taking it day by day.

No money
no food
no fridge

i'm lonely

i'm fucking tired of this orphan thing

i'm tired of my stoicism

i am tired of this life.


but what does it matter? I am one of billions of people on this planet, many whose hierarchy of needs aren't even satisfied on the most basic level, yet here I complain, typing away on my laptop computer in my air-conditioned home...
what a joke.

My Supervisor has the IQ of a jelly donut.

Trash. Donate. Keep.

I've been busy -- more so than when I use that phrase as a simple excuse. Honest to goodness busy. The kind of busy where you don't even know what the date is or what is happening in the next few days; you just wake up and tackle whatever is coming your way with no planning.

The kind of busy where you look down at you legs and swear up and down that you JUST SHAVED THEM but realize it's been more like a week since they've been anywhere near a razor.

My entire life has been reduced to boxes in a storage unit, and it's oh-so-wonderful. My house is now empty and uncarpeted, and I've taken refuge in what was once the ferret room, with only my mattress and laptop to keep me entertained. It's a bizarre waiting-for-the-future-to-get-here-already feeling. I am very ready to get to Davis and do my school thing. I am tired of working in the corporate mess that my animal hospital has become -- and I'm tired of working directly under someone who is, well, stupid. There's no other way to put it. My supervisor was promoted due to seniority rather than intelligence or common sense or TACT and everyday I try to keep my eye on the prize and not get supremely irritated. Ah, the mediocrity. I will not miss it. I will miss the dear friends that I made there, especially Chrissy. You don't really meet people like her very often because they just don't exist in great numbers.

I am very thankful that I've been in the workforce for 5 years with only a high school diploma as my highest level of education. I've been fortunate to nab jobs simply because I nailed the interview; I really have nothing on paper that gives me any intellectual credibility. I know the reality of what difference an education can make, and I'll never take that for granted.

It's also been a lonely past few months... my ferret and my grandmother died in the same weekend, Mark went back to school, and I sorted through an entire house and lifetime of memories. Trash. Donate. Keep. That's been the summary of this transition. Danielle is in Brazil, and I'm secretly jealous that she got to start her new life before me, and that she's in the middle of what will become my favorite chapter in her memoir.

I'll probably talk more about the grandmother's death in more detail as the emotions hit me. I'm so removed from it all right now that I haven't gotten past the initial shock of it all. I know that once I get to school I'll really want to tell her all about it because that was something that would have made her incredibly happy. I'm really not sure if I'll go to Mexico again, because she was my reason for going. I do have other family there, but it would just be odd. The 1000 miles to get there would pale in comparison to the emotional journey I'd be facing. We'll see. I'm trying not to think about the fact that the three people that were instrumental in my upbringing are all dead now... and I'm not really done growing up. It's a constant feeling of WAAAAAAAAIT don't go just yet there are more questions and I need your answers.
Luckily, even if the answers aren't there in real-time, I still hear them in the back of my mind. That's really the best reassurance there is.



I found this when I was going through my dad's old tax paperwork, and it made me really happy. My father was as new to grief as I was when my mother died, and yet he was such a pro when it came down to it. He listened, he was honest, and he got me through it. And finding this -- the fact that he held onto it -- just reminds me of how remarkable he was.

And that pretty much sums up my grief at this point in life: Uggggh they were so great why the hell are they gone? (insert sounds of frustration here)

And... that's about it.
I'm just standing here,
smack in the middle of a tight rope walk,
suspended between where I was and where I'd like to be...

but without the urge to jump.

Happy Day

So what did I do today?

1. I bottle-fed newborn puppies
   
2. I got accepted to UC Davis.
3. I had fried ice cream in celebration.

I don't think it gets any better than that.

Procrastination...

Of course. I have things I should be doing, yet I suddenly have the urge to write on my little blog. How convenient! But really, who am I to quell this unexpected writing spark?
There are all sorts of things going on, especially next month. Right now is a calm before a giant storm maelstrom of change. Good things, scary things, but all necessary things... here they are in no particular order.

• UC Acceptance Letters: I hope. The last half of March is when I will be receiving my little letters of happiness. Keep in mind that I submitted my applications back in November, so I am starting to get a bit antsy... I mean, going off to school means relocating, which means Mark needs to find a job in that area, which means I need to sell my house and get a place where ever I go, which would require the house being in my name already....
• End of Probate: The final court hearing is in the beginning of March. After over a year of court hearings and paperwork, the house will finally be out of my father's name and into mine.
  
• FAFSA: I need to complete this dreaded financial aid thing by March 2nd. I dread it because every time I've completed it, it tells me that that I don't need any financial aid. "hello? did you see the question about being an orphan??" So this will be more interesting than anything, because I expect nothing from it. Prove me wrong, FAFSA!
  
• Holly's Wedding: The highlight of this crazy time... a chance to get away for a weekend with great people celebrating something really great. I don't really count this as stressful (as i'm sure she does) but it is something that requires preparation, mainly because I'll see Mark again after almost 2 months...
• Losing Weight: I'm down 11 pounds so far. I've cut out all my sugar and have been more active. I've even gone to the gym! Just for cardio, though. I'm still too intimidated by the strength training machines. I think it's been a little over a month since I finally got motivated enough to shed the pounds AND do something about it. It hasn't been hard at all. It's simply been a choice that I have to make every morning. It's not some giant obstacle anymore. You just get some momentum and eventually it becomes habit. I'd like to lose a little more in the next few weeks so that I can buy a cute dress for the wedding, because...
• Mark comes back! Okay, this is not supposed to be on my stressful list, but dammit, he has had to listen to my dieting woes since he went back to Utah, so I need to at least have something to show for it. And you know, weddings do that thing where you get all lovey dovey and um, well, I wanna look good naked. That's pretty much the gist of it.
• Roommate out: I should really make a post dedicated to this. I cannot wait for her to move out at the end of this month.
  
• My Birthday: I'll be 23 on March 19th. I'm tired of not really doing anything exciting to celebrate. I want to do something neat this year... so I still need to come up with that. Also, weighing less would be great. Every year I've made this promise to myself that, "for my xx birthday, I want to look great!" This is mostly because I always hear women talking about the body they had in their 20's. Um.. if this is this is the body I'll be reminiscing about one day, then I'm in trouble.
  
• Mark's Graduation: This should be in June. By then we'll know where I'm going to school and he will hopefully have found a job in that area. At this point I'll hopefully be in the process of putting my house on the market and getting ready to move. It's a bit of a gray area for both of us because we have no clue how things are going to fall into line. Will he go there first and start working? Get a temporary apartment on his own? What if he doesn't find a job? Who will help me move? Etc Etc Etc. I'm not thinking about it until I get there.

I need to do my taxes. Right. Now.
go go go go