.

It's so quiet in my house.
I want to smell my father's coffee, my mother's perfume
hear the whirring sound of his machines as he works in the garage, that bellowing laughter of his,
or the soft sound of my mother singing some song in Spanish

sometimes i hear them, just for a moment, and it's comforting. And then it's just sad.
Because it gets quiet again. I'm the only one here.

I get like this around my birthday, usually. Adding another year to my age immediately reminds me of how long they've been gone.

But this year it's hitting me early. I can't even explain what has been going on with me these past few weeks. I've lost my sense of time it seems. I'm standing still in a dark room and the days are flying past me and I can't seem to take hold of anything. I can't grab onto the dates long enough to take care of menial tasks like returning phone calls or taking care of those routine things like bills and chores...

And I'm numb. I can make a list of the wonderful things in my life but they prove to be no match against this relentless current that keeps pulling me down. What's most frightening is that I'm losing the energy to keep fighting; struggling to keep afloat just doesn't seem worth it anymore. Because with every new breath i get pulled under again. I just want to stay under, I want to close my eyes and let this game be over already. I don't want to play this game anymore.

But that's ridiculous. And I know that.
So perhaps I've been so busy fighting this inner battle that I've failed to notice what day it is and who I've neglected.
It's affecting my health, and in all certainty, if you are reading this, it has somehow affected you.

This is not who I want to be, and it's frustrating that my situation and circumstances are really changing who I am to the very core of my character. I feel like I am turning into a hopeless, negative, cynical person. I feel it most when I try to envision my future and I see nothing, or when that tiny voice tries to tell me that things are going to be okay and I dismiss it as nonsense.

I don't like where I am right now. I don't like who I am right now.
But I don't feel that I have any control over it anymore.

So I'll keep doing what needs to be done, keep my animals fed and the utilities turned on, and I'll just wait. Something good is bound to happen. I'm clinging to that tiny shred of optimism; it's all that I have left.