Getting Rid of the Clutter

I have a new roommate. Last weekend was spent clearing out the room that he is now occupying, which was my old childhood room turned into an office turned into the i don't know what to do with this so I'm putting in here room.

A lot was thrown away, but there was a lot of stuff that I just didn't know what to do with. I moved the office furniture into my room so the setup might actually be cool... but I wouldn't know that yet. I can't even see the floor at this point because everything I wanted to keep from the other room is now in my room.

I'm guessing a lot of it is go in the closet stuff, but my bedroom closet is already full. I don't even use my closet anymore because I've managed to pile things in there to the point of avalanche when the closet doors are opened.

So I braced myself and started cleaning my closet. Yikes.

I'm trying to just throw things out. OUT OUT OUT.

But I've got quite the large pile of stuffed animals. Mostly little bunnies from Easter baskets. They're too cute to be thrown out and a part of me still thinks they are alive. I don't think that they get up and have a party when I'm here or anything, I just can't bring myself to put them in a black trash bag and send them off to the stinky dump where no one will ever love them again and birds will peck out their eyes and they will die a horrible, smelly death. ITS SAD AND DISRESPECTFUL.

So not only am I googling all sorts of organizations that accept stuffed animal donations, I am also putting off any further cleaning for the next, say, half hour. Yes!

I think I'll make some dinner and do laundry and... trim the dogs nails. By putting off one giant task, I manage to do about 20 other things that need to be done. It totally makes up for it, right?

Venipuncture and the "death grip"

It's been at my job for a month now, and I still love it. Normally, a month is plenty of time for that first bit of optimism to fade away. But not with this job.

Today I placed my first IV catheter. I think it was my 4th or 5th attempt to do so. Usually when I can't get it the first time, I give up. I don't like the idea of poking and digging around a dog's leg in order to find a vein when I am so inexperienced. So for the rest of the day, I was giddy. Earlier that morning, after an unsuccessful try, I had an "ugggh I'll never be able to do this!!!" moment. So yay me, i'm on my way to more experience.



I also killed a dog today. But then he came back to life. I'll explain.
It was a tiny pomeranian that needed to have some blood drawn, so I was holding him still so that we could get the blood from him. Squirming is not really something you want a dog to do when you're poking his jugular vein. Anyway, we finished pulling the blood and I was just loosely holding him when I said, "that's my death grip!" in reference to the way I kept this squirrelly little dog so very still. All of a sudden, he goes limp. He stops breathing, his eyes roll back and he's out! The tiny and very old little dog freaking died. I pass him over to someone else to check for a heartbeat and in the meantime i'm getting the crash cart ready and then the little guys decides to come back.
Good Lord. I can't even imagine having to explain that to the owners, who only brought him in for a checkup and blood work.

No more references to my death grip.

One Year Together

Mark and I celebrated our self proclaimed anniversary on November 9th. Our actual anniversary is a bit hard to determine... since he was living in Utah, our relationship began online and over the phone, and after a few months of this we were officially "together", even though we still hadn't met in person... which still isn't true because I knew him from middle school and we saw each other in high school, but we hadn't really been friends or talked for 7 years... so it was a bit confusing. November 9th, 2006 was the day that I finally flew up there after months of late-night (and all-night) phone conversations and endless emails.

Mark flew into Long Beach airport Friday afternoon, all dressed up and looking mighty fine. I picked him up wearing my best little black dress and the tallest heels I could find. We drove into Orange county and had dinner at a gorgeous restaurant perched on the side of a hill overlooking the city of Orange. The view was absolutely amazing and our server was really nice.

We waited until we were at our table to exchange gifts. Mark had a funny grin on his face up until this point, and I was unsure as to why.... until I opened his gift. I carefully removed the wrapping paper, in the middle of the fancy restaurant, candles flickering... and this is what I saw:And for the rest of the evening, I did my best to conceal the naked people from our server and everyone that walked by.
My gift to Mark was a monogrammed flask. Now he's one of the cool kids.

We spent the weekend together and it was wonderful. And even though it was just a short visit, it was so nice to be with my love and make an event of our milestone together. And it's also nice that the goodbye at the airport wasn't sad -- he'll be back for thanksgiving.

I just love my hunny.

Miso Hungry

Eating healthy seems to be really expensive. I feel like I spent less when I ate Jack in the Box for lunch and could only afford ramen noodles and cans of soup for dinner.

Now that I'm working, I've been a health food junkie. Veggies and deliciousness, oh my! Tonight I gorged myself on homemade Miso soup with a little too much seaweed thrown in. I've been snacking on fruit to hold me over at work, and have been eating chicken/veggie lunches.

I keep finding myself at WalMart on my days off to restock. And I end up spending what I feel is an obscene amount of money each time. Then again, I'm cheap when it comes to grocery shopping. But still... it would be cheaper to just buy junk.

I'm just determined to eat well and feel good. In all of my past jobs, I was usually just sitting all day. Now, with all the running around and lifting and crouching, It has become pretty apparent that I need to be in better shape in order to get through the day.

So we'll see how long this kick lasts. :)

Add it to the list

I've discovered that I have another odd interest:
DRAG SHOWS ARE AWESOME! :P

I went to a Halloween themed drag show and had a really great time. It was so fun!

Ferret Scare

Right before heading out to go grocery shopping, I went into the ferret room to say hi to the kids and feed them some dinner. After serving up a nice cup of kibble, I proceeded to nudge each ferret to let them know that their food was awaiting them.

Mischief wasn't very responsive at all. She looked almost dead.
I noticed she had caught one of her nails on her blanket and wasn't able to get up... and she was way dehydrated. She was so limp and dazed... I knew she'd die soon if I didn't do something. So I tried to feed her some calorie supplement and water with a syringe, but she was too weak to take it. I wrapped her up in one of my shirts and headed to work. On a Sunday afternoon, it was the only place that I could take her.

After a large amount of subcutaneous fluids (which she quickly absorbed like a little sponge), and a little bit of time, she was back to herself. Had I not taken her to the hospital, she would have died.

It's just amazing how fragile life can be if you aren't careful.

Computer Crashes and Bulldog Love

I've been MIA for a few days now as my computer crashed on me and I haven't been able to get online. I feel like I've been in a cave. My computer is still non functional but I am hoping that it will work as soon as one of Mark's brilliant friends takes a look at it. I am fortunate that a friend of mine basically gave me her unstable laptop... "If you can get it to work, it's yours!" It's a fairly new Toshiba that threatens you with imminent doom every time you start it up. But that's okay, because I like living on the edge. Oh yeah.

I'm online and I've managed to catch up on all my unread Google Reader posts. I feel so good.

In other news, I LOVE MY JOB. LOVE IT. I can't believe that I worked for so long doing things that I didn't love. You spend too much time at work to not like it. Granted, my feet hurt and sometimes I want to take a nap... but that's the extent of it. I don't dread the next day and the days are just flying by.
I looooove these dogs. All the dogs are great, but I've found that have a total bias towards English bulldogs. Sometimes the dogs stay for 20 minutes, sometimes they stay for 2 weeks. Either way, I'm happy to see them go, even though I love giving them smoochies the entire time they're in the hospital.





I'm going to bed because I'm responsible and because I've gotten my Internet fix for the evening. Hooray for my dependence on technology! :P

Happy Birthday

You'd be 73 today. It's hard to imagine you being that old... but then again, you never acted your age anyway, ya old fart.

I wish you could go back to making me laugh instead of making me cry. I miss you.

New Job

I started my new job today as a vet tech. I love it.

It's tough. You have to go from "awww I love animals! they are so cute!" to "this dog has no chance and we need to hurry up and euthanize it."

My morning started off with a 12 year old white chow mix that had been hit by a car. Since I had only been there fifteen minutes and I didn't know where anything was, I was basically stuck standing there, watching this dog pant heavily and let out a few whimpers. I can't really describe the feeling that I got when I saw the x-ray; his spinal cord was broken at a 90 degree angle and there was absolutely no hope. It was a sort of a helpless feeling coupled with the urge to go back in time and change the course of events that morning. The owners authorized the euthanasia and opted not to be present and to not have the ashes returned to them. I understand that everyone is different, but I couldn't help but feel a sense of abandonment. But then again, they did bring the dog in in the first place, so it was unfair to assume that they didn't care.
I held his paw while they euthanized him. It was so fast. Although it makes me sad to think about it, it was incredibly relieving to see his body suffer so terribly and then just stop in a matter of seconds. I closed his eyes when no one was looking and gave him a little scratch behind the ears. And that was it. He was placed in a black bag and I took him back to the crematorium.

It was business as usual.

So it's pretty apparent that I am a total softy. I felt a tear when I was walking back from the crematorium, but there wasn't time to be sad because there was another emergency case arriving. All this before 9am.

I've already found a mentor among the techs and I can tell that we will be getting along very well. I'm a bit overwhelmed by the things that I need to learn, but I feel so comfortable in that environment. Finally, a job that fits. It's like searching for that perfect pair of pants and finally finding them. And then getting paid to wear them. Oh yes.

I'm exhausted, my feet hurt and I want to just go to bed now.
I can't wait for tomorrow.

Let it be known...

Mark just drunk dialed me for the first time ever. Awwwwwwww! It was actually really cute and sweet. hooray!
So being the wonderful girlfriend that I am, I directed him to call 1-800-734-0880, where he could leave a message that gets posted on drunkdial.org, the "official drunk dialing site." It was pretty hilarious. I recommend all of you to put this number in your contacts list and to also make sure that your friends have it as well.

Thursday Thirteen

I already received a call back from the animal hospital to start Monday... so along that theme, here are 13 pets that I've had:

1. Bonita the Cat - Technically, this was my mom's cat, but she's the first pet I remember having. She disappeared after my mother died. My grandmother (think old-school, die-hard, Mexican seventh day Adventist) always said that this cat cried real tears and meowed all night after my mother's death. This makes me laugh only because it is one of 1,000 things that my grandmother swears by, and I think are just a little exaggerated.

2. Daisy the Cat - This cat lasted until I was 6. She got stuck in the garage door a few times and managed to survive without a trip to the vet, and I was fed the explanation that cats have nine lives. She "ran away" and I regret never asking my father what really happened to that cat.

(I'm looking outside to the animal cemetery in the backyard to try and remember who's next)

3. Snow the Rat - This little white rat sat on my shoulder and in my pocket all the time. I took her to the street fair every weekend and we were great friends. I was 7 or so. And as a good pet owner, I even rented a male rat from the pet shop so that she could have a "honeymoon". The ensuing screaming and clawing coming from the cage made me never want to have a honeymoon. When she died (not from that! just old age) my father made her a Corian casket and I had a funeral for her and buried her in the backyard, to be exhumed a few months later. Doesn't every kid want to see what decomposition does??

4. A rabbit. I don't remember her name.
My neighbor has tons of rabbits in hutch in his backyard. Then he has a barbecue/pool party. Then the rabbits are gone, save a few. The day I put those events together was the day I ran over there and picked one out as a pet. She was pretty feral, but I was just happy to have saved her. She ended up being pregnant and had two tiny pink bunnies, one of which she squished. The surviving bunny was...

5. Honeybunny - The cutest bunny ever. Then again, HoneyBunny took snow's place as a fixture in my pocket at the street fair. I even had that little bunny leash trained. You have to picture me, in my tie die nightmare outfit, walking a tiny bunny on a leash in the middle of a street fair. Let me help you imagine this:

I soon became a bunny enthusiast and built my own rabbit hutch in the back yard. I dug trenches and put up chicken wire. I went next door and adopted a big black and white, virile male rabbit and put everyone together. A week later, they all died. I think he was sick. Or perhaps, a murder suicide.

6. Turtle the Turtle - I still have this guy. I bought him at an outdoor market in Guadalajara, sent him right through the x-rays at security, and hopped on a plane with him. He's quadrupled in size and I expect him to be around for quite a while. He's awesome.




7. Mrs. Socks the Dog- Right around my tenth birthday I got a puppy from some distant relative. I walked up to the litter and picked the cutest little tail-less puppy. I looked at her white little paws and deemed her Socks and we have been friends ever since. She's more human than dog and has a great sense of humor. You can usually find her napping on my living room table. I hope she can stick around for a few more good years.




8. Joe the Iguana - He was my 11th birthday present. I was way too young to have a reptile. I didn't know enough about reptile care so he died 3 years later from calcium deposits on his kidneys. The vet pointed this out to me by squeezing Joe's sides and causing him silently grimace in pain... like a silent scream. Then he put him to sleep. I'll never forget that Vet's insensitivity. It was after this that I became really obsessed with knowing the proper care for my pets in order to make sure they have the best life possible. There is far too high of a price to pay for not knowing.

9. Alamander the Salamander - I saw this adorable thing at WalMart in the fish department. I didn't know what it was but it was so cute. The inexperienced girl in that department explained, "Someone told me they grow legs or something." I dismissed that notion and brought my little creature home. Sure enough, his little antler things came off and he sprouted legs. I gave him some land in his tank and he was as happy as could be. Amazed with my little amphibian, I went out and purchased..

10. Becky the Salamander - My two salamanders lived for a good seven years. I want to have a few more at some point in the future. They're so darn cute! They're great observation kind of pets... not really fond of being held. You just feed them and keep their habitat nice and sometimes they'll flash you a little salamander smile.


11. Two Rats - They were left at my house by my little sister's mother (we share the same father, not the same mother) when they were installing tile in her home and then she "forgot" to pick them up. The reality was that my sister wasn't taking care of them (because by having animals, she was automatically supposed to be responsible instead of it being a learned trait) and so her mother was tired of the smell and having to feed them. So she half-assed pawned them over to me (way to go setting an example for your child! tired of animals? give your problems to someone else!) They lived for a good while until I noticed one lying motionless in the cage. Upon closer inspection, I noticed her head was missing. I quickly learned that rats are scavengers, and what was once a cage mate becomes food after they die. At first I was appalled... but then I realized that they are pretty damn efficient critters. The smell of death would probably attract predators, so eating fallen friends makes sense. Right? Anyway, Cannibalina out-lived her dinner pal by a few months.

12. The Ferrets - Over the course of one year, I accumulated 5 ferrets. First it was Charlotte and Mischief from a shelter in Phoenix. Then Buddy and Hazel from a lady in LA. Then Ricky from a shelter in Las Vegas. Buddy is now dearly departed, but I still have the other four to drive me crazy and hide all my things. Ricky is Deaf, and Charlotte is blind. So once in a while I hear terrified shrieks coming from their room... Ricky's trying to play with Charlotte, who can't see him and is trying to tell him she's in no mood to play - and he can't hear her.

13. Diego the Doberman - At around age 19 I put my maternal urges to rest by having a puppy. He's been my protector and best buddy ever since, and he keeps Mrs. Socks young. He makes late night runs to the ATM (or anywhere, really) really fun.

I think I might be an animal lover.

Whooop!

The interview went as well as it possibly could. I'm excited. Diego has his paws crossed!

Road Trip Preface

I took a road trip with my little sister this weekend. Originally it was going to be a three person trip, but my friend Robert wasn't able to come with us AT THE LAST MINUTE. Of course, that's what he does, so I can't act too surprised. Or be upset. Robert is my best gay guy friend so he's off the hook this time.

Overall, the trip was amazing. We took a ton of pictures so I'll wait until I get them onto my computer before talking about every little part of the trip.

My father and I would take month long road trips across the country every few summers. I didn't really understand the importance of it at the time and I didn't understand that most kids didn't have the same opportunities to see what I got to see. We hit every historical place, drove across Canada, and spent some really memorable times together. It made history class so much more fun because I had been to the places I was learning about. So although I've lived in this town my entire life, I do have an understanding of what it's like in other places... and so I'm not afraid to set up roots somewhere else.

It was important to me to be able to pass that same tradition onto my sister. It may have only been a 3 day weekend, but it still was great and beneficial for her. She met new people, saw new places, and hopefully learned a few things. Not just tangible things, but also little things like speaking up when people ask you questions and that it's okay to show your emotions on the outside and not scowl all the time, and for god's sake STOP ROLLING YOUR EYES AT ME. I had to constantly remind myself that she's 13. A teenager. Yuck.

My first job interview is tomorrow at an animal hospital. It's a 24/7 hospital, so I'm thinking I'm twice as likely to get hired because they are open twice as longer than other hospitals... right??

I'm looking forward to posting the road trip pictures as soon as I get them! :D :D

You just have to believe

For those that doubt the power of prayer:
A new Sonic's drive thru has been built less than a mile away from my house, and it's the only Sonic's within an 80 mile radius.

I could WALK there with Diego. I'm excited.

He's gone again.

Mark left today. I'm not sure how I feel about it.... yet. I keep feeling like he's going to walk in any minute now and snuggle me, among other pleasant things, to sleep. But he's not. Another countdown begins; Thanksgiving becomes the next thing to look forward to.
Saying goodbye at the airport was different this time... there were no tears, just a tiredness in my heart. The airport goodbyes are such habit now that it becomes exhausting to think about the loneliness that will ensue. It was so matter-of-fact today, something that we had no control over so it wasn't worth making a fuss about. I don't believe that is any reflection of how we feel about each other; rather it simply shows how we feel about this long distance thing.

Two months ago I wrote that I was going to lose weight. I haven't. At ALL. I've got a ton of excuses, some of them actually legitimate, but mostly just nonsense. This gung-ho attitude followed by disappointment is my worst enemy... but this time around I felt disappointment from Mark, and it changed things a bit. Not just disappointment about the weight, but just a general disappointment in me. I'm not that sad about it, because he has all the right in the world to feel that way - It just changes things a bit. It forces me to think outside of myself in relation to my attitude and my appearance. I really need to make a change, a long term, slowly-but-surely change. Days seem to pass so slowly yet the months fly by. I don't understand where the time goes; why, in my quietest moments, it moves so slowly... yet when I blink my eyes it seems to have made up for that sluggishness by passing me by completely.

I'm not really sure how I feel right now. I have a fairly busy day tomorrow so all I really need to do is go to bed and get up at a decent hour.

My dogs are always affected whenever Mark leaves. They immediately notice the sudden availability of that side of the bed.

It's kinda nice to never have to sleep alone.

A September to Remember

I've been unemployed this entire month. I don't like talking crap about people when they sign my paychecks, so I haven't really divulged that my ex-boss was a total nut job. Seriously. The type of person that makes you kinda cock your head to one side and wonder what planet she may have come from that employs such illogical thinking. I mostly felt that my job was to serve as a buffer between her and the patients at her dental office; a mediator and a translator and mostly the one who would salvage relationships and keep patients from fleeing to another office, as justified as they were in wanting to leave.

Then after a while I found myself becoming more of a patient advocate, mostly fighting with her on their behalf and subtly pointing out her irrational ways of thinking. This started happening when I noticed how she was ripping people off unintentionally; she wasn't trying to screw them, she just seriously forgot that she made deals with them, then tried to collect the usual amount for the services provided - and be rude and send them to collections for not paying the new amount. She added unauthorized charges all the time - looking at a patient ledger was like solving a puzzle that was missing half the pieces. She seriously forgot things ALL THE TIME. Hell, she'd make me promises and forget them on a continual basis. It might have to do with that fact that she never ate anything except hershey's kisses and I rarely saw her drinking anything other than alcohol. I can't really summarize how nuts she was, all I can say is that it was a little frightening that a woman in her 50's, running a business, could be so dumb and nuts. I honestly went beyond the call of duty for this woman, namely when she subjected me to seeing her in the form of a tomato faced alien... I can't even slice tomatoes anymore without thinking about it.

We amicably parted ways; she threw away my time card because she thought I didn't need it, I told her it was unacceptable to destroy my records as they are my property, she felt threatened and told me that I was holding her hostage in her office and promptly pointed out the location of the door... but all without really firing me. She made it my choice, because she is not one to ever be held accountable for her actions, ever. What a relief to be out of there. All in all, I'm happier, even though my money situation is a bit scary - for now.

But about a week later, Mark came into town and everything was all better. The timing was pretty great - I mean, now would be the time to be unemployed. He's here to kick my ass if I am slacking on the job hunt and he's here to lift my spirits when I start feeling down.

And it has gotten ugly, probably worse than ever before. Something happens when I get incredibly depressed, and it's something that I can remember happening since I was about 6 years old. I just don't want to live. And I sit here now and type this and I KNOW it's ridiculous because I've seen the firsthand effects of suicide and how terrible it is. It's just an awful awful thing... yet I go to this place once in a while and none of that even registers. And it's not some tormented, bloody, "oh look at me I want to die! life sucks!" kind of thing; it's a very peaceful, "I don't like this game and I'd like for it to be over" way of thinking that just surrounds me. It's overwhelming and deafening. It's my darkest secret.
I'm writing about it because it's something that I need to deal with by figuring out exactly what sets off this behavior; what it is that knocks over that first domino. It's a bit scary, but I need to be open and honest with myself and others about this.

I've been unemployed on mandatory vacation for 17 days. Things are looking up on the job hunt so far and I'm a bit excited about the prospective jobs that I might have. I'm shooting high because I have nothing to lose, however if I am not employed by month end, I will get a job that is easy to obtain and easy to drop when a better one comes around.

I love that Mark is here, even if it is only for a few more days. What would normally be a ridiculously stressful time has become a very wonderful opportunity to spend more time with the person I love the most. I think I may have needed this break from things. It has set me back a bit financially, but it has benefited me emotionally tenfold. And I'm completely satisfied with my relationship with Mark; I'm just so very confident about us, our future, our everything. It's funny how I keep loving this person more and more every day.

We also did something completely insane that has brought us even closer, much to the surprise of everyone that knows about it. Ask at your own risk.

This post has been a bit up and down, but that's exactly how this month has been. I'm happy to say that all in all, things are going to be just fine. I am looking forward to what lies ahead.

This optimism has nothing to do with the ice cream I am about to eat. I promise.

A little over 100 miles from here...

Every few weeks, I really get into the Mexico/U.S. immigration issue; I dive head first into every bit of information that I can find, first hand accounts, articles... and a lot of extremist viewpoints. I don't know where I stand on the issue, I only know that it bothers me a lot. I don't like that I live my life day to day and I don't really think about it until I'm not busy doing the things that people are practically dying for every day.
So I submerge myself with all this information, as if the suffering is somehow lessened if I don't turn a blind eye to it - it's a nice idea, in theory, that my empathy and ganas to do something about it make it more tolerable to those going through terrible times and desperation, but that's simply not the case. Its overwhelming to think about most of the time because it affects so many people and it's so complicated - so many factors to consider, so many lives and families and.... raaaaagh! I can't even formulate my opinion because I can't wrap my head around it all. And because I don't have a concrete stance and solution to this whole thing, I don't go voicing my thoughts, I don't get into debates about it... because I just don't know what to say.

And I think that's why there hasn't been any progress with immigration. People who consider every angle don't have a surefire solution, whereas the voices we do hear are those who are on the very edge of each side of the issue: "open the borders!" they cry, or, "build a fence!" And neither makes any sense.

How many of us have been hungry? Or worked until our hands bled, yet still clasped them together to pray that one day things will be better, to live solely on faith because that's all we have, where death and illness are not tragedy, merely something that is a daily part of life, as common as waking up and watching the sun rise as another working day begins...

I can't say that I have. And not because I am deserving of living a better life, but simply because I was born here.

I don't know what I can do. I've found that people don't like to talk about sad things, especially when they can't offer a solution. I can only hope that I can find some way to make a change soon, however miniscule.

"Vanity keeps persons in favor with themselves who are out of favor with all others"

Someone who is more a business acquaintance than a friend asked me if I could drop her off at the hospital and pick up her up later because she was having surgery. The way she described it made it sound like she was fixing some medical condition, so I happily agreed. She didn't really want anyone else to know that she was having surgery, not even her son. RED FLAG. Whatever. Then she mentions that she is also having a laser peel at the same time... she's taking a week off of work so she might as well have a peel, right?
So of course, I googled "laser peel" so that I'd have an idea of what she was about to put herself through, and when I started telling her what to expect, she told me she didn't want to know. RED FLAG. And when I questioned her about the original procedure, she said she didn't really know and didn't really want to know. RED FLAG.

On the way to her appointment, she told me that upon picking her up, the nurses would probably insist that I stay with her for the first 24 hours... and just to tell them that I would. But not to worry, "just drop me off at home." umm... okay. Say it with me, folks: RED FLAG.

So four hours pass and I get the call from the nurse -- she's ready. I sit out front in the car and wait.

And there she is, this tiny framed woman with the largest head I have ever seen. She's wrapped up and her face looks like she spent the day with a boxing kangaroo. Pink and swollen and shiny from multiple layers of vaseline, she's dazed and she looks like hell. She's so puffy that she can't blink or move her face at all. She looks like an alien in a wheelchair.

I get her home and into bed, do all the things for her that she can't do for herself, help her take her pills and then go fetch more water from the kitchen. I come back to the room and she's snoring. Her eyes are open and she's snoring. Mrs. Tomato Head is sleeping with her eyes open. Later I find out from the pleasant woman on the phone that this is completely normal and that she's loaded with goop so that her eyes won't dry out. Lovely.

So now what? What do I do? I had no idea it would be so bad, I felt compelled to stay just in case she were to wake up disoriented and heaven forbid she trip and fall and land on her ballooning face... but I didn't sign up for this. I was her ride, not her nurse, and I'm not THAT close to this woman. I couldn't call anyone to stay with her because I couldn't think of anyone that would. It was... sad.

I went home, fought with myself for a while because even though she didn't inform me that I'd need to be her nurse, I'm still a human being and I help when I can. But she's an adult. She should have known what she was getting herself into. It was unfair to hold myself responsible for her well being.. right?

I didn't go back until this morning to take her to her post operative appointment, and she was fine. A little less swollen, but still unrecognizable. While she was in getting bandages changed, I asked a few questions and came to find out that she had just had herself a facelift.

A FACELIFT! And a very expensive one, at that.

I could have taken her out back and beat the living hell out of her and she'd look exactly the same, all for free.

So what bothers me is that she really didn't need it in the first place. She put herself in such a terrible condition for this cosmetic procedure that she really didn't need, just to have a slight difference afterwards? And I understand that she didn't want anyone to know about it, but at least be honest with the person that does know.


***Note to self: Do not pair a large bank account with low self esteem.

So i'll be doing the best I can to help her. I don't mind it as long as it isn't at my expense.. I'm using her car to run her errands and I am not going to stress myself out like I did yesterday.

Ah, to be beautiful.

If you are having a cosmetic procedure that leaves you incapacitated during your recovery, and you don't have anyone to take care of you... *perhaps* your wrinkles should not be your main concern.

i'll explain as soon as I can digest what happened today.

Hedgies

Go read this!
Orphaned hedgehogs adopt cleaning brush as their mother

Oh hedgies, how I love you.

Back to School

I've registered for a math class this semester. As much as I would love to sign up for a full schedule, I just can't. I've come to accept that I cannot be a full time student at this point in my life, and it isn't due to lack of commitment or motivation... it's because of a lot of little things that frankly irritate me beyond belief. Thinking about it just evokes this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness... yes, i am dramatic... but it's only because I really want and need to go to school, and I can feel my brain shrinking due to inactivity. I sleep on my back because I'm afraid to wake up to pieces of unused cerebral matter on my pillow.

I can't go to school full time because I have to make money. I have responsibilities that I didn't really ask for, but will be fortunate to have in the long term. Right now, they hinder things. And by "they", I mean my mortgage and the costs associated with owning a home.

My cost of living is high. I have to get a well paying job to survive. I have to work full time. I can't get a better job without education. I cannot go to school full time because I am working full time. I cannot get financial aid to compensate for the money I'd be out if I went to school full-time. I get less aid for going half-time. So my only choice is to hardly go to school at all, which is fine with me because I need to do something. So at this point, I hardly qualify for aid at all... just a waiver for my school fees. I'm thankful for this, but there's a lot of running around in order to get this waiver. Nothing in life is free. My class will not cost me money, but it will cost a lot of effort and time. I have to resubmit papers that I have already submitted, namely my parents' death certificates.
Now I know this is how the world works, sometimes you just have to be repetitive to be part of the system, the bureaucracy, etc etc deal with it already my darling this is the way it goes...
But I am bit tired of schlepping my parents' death certificates back and forth to the financial aid office, I'm tired of the hardly audible "aww" when I hand them to the clerk, and the way they look at my date of birth to try and make sense of the situation. I wouldn't mind all of this if their sympathy resulted in more financial aid... hell, I'll bring in a photo album and shed some tears if the could just help me go to school full time. I have no problem playing the orphan card because frankly, my father would encourage me to do it. It's not something that I can change, so I might as well get the best use out of it.

Before I go through all of this fee waiver stuff, I have to fill out the FAFSA. This is the federal aid application which I have memorized by now and gotten absolutely nothing from. It specifically asks if I am an orphan so that my parents' finances are omitted. It also qualifies me as an independent student... which works against me. In a nutshell, it basically tells me : "We have determined that you can spend 20% of your yearly income on school, and since your tuition is less than that, we aren't going to help you. You are a big girl now, roll with it and make it on your own, my dear."

So tonight I will go home, dig up the necessary paperwork, hopefully get my classes for free and ravenously start school again. In the end, I still feel fortunate that I have these facilities available to me, that I can become educated, even if getting there requires a melodramatic blog post and a bit of paper shuffling.

But the most important question remains:
What will I wear for my first day night of school??? omg omg

You don't appreciate all things I do for you

I am a morning person when I wake up energized.

But... That's usually not the case.
My alarm goes off at the appropriate hour, giving me the perfect amount of time to calmly start my day and do everything I have to do before heading off to work.
Of course, after hitting the snooze 5 or 6 times and bargaining with myself - "if I take 5 more minutes of sleep, I'll take a really quick shower!" I end up not having enough time.
Today wasn't as bad. I managed to pack my lunch and get out the door right on time.... without my lunch. 2 minutes down the road I realized I had forgotten my afternoon salvation of a lunch and hurried back to retrieve it...

But the dogs had eaten it. THEY ATE IT. I WAS GONE FOR 2 MINUTES AND THEY ATE IT. I solemnly gazed outside to the backyard where the plastic bag that once contained my delicious lunch had been mercilessly ripped to pieces.

I returned to my car as I rambled on about my ungrateful dogs and how they are going to be banned to the backyard forever and how i am never going to talk to them again and how would they like it if they were late for work because I ate their lunch and how they are ruining my attempts at remaining sane in this world...

and then I smiled as I realized that I'd have to go buy some cheap, delicious tacos for lunch.

Thursday Thirteen

13 Jobs I've had in my life

1. Delivered food from Restaurants, dressed in a Tuxedo.
2. Sold CD's for a Peruvian Band and occassionally performed with them.
3. Manufactured and sold cutting boards
4. Math Tutor
5. Gave free samples of a skin healing cream and promptly convinced people to buy it
6. Mortage Loan Proccessor
7. Took care of an elderly woman
8. Receptionist at a dog groomer's... where getting peed on was part of the job
9. Accounts payable at Lawrence Welk's resort
10. Dressed up as a saloon girl and handed out poker chips at a fake old west town, for corporate parties
11. Front desk for a psychologist- I did a lot of medical billing as well as hooking people up to EEG machines and reading their brainwaves.
12. Cooked and served food at a Cinco De Mayo party where I was the only Mexican in a 3 mile radius.
13. Taught a water aerobics class for mostly old women (to disco music, no less)


So I'm applying for a part time job... because I'd just like to do something productive with my weekends. I realized as I was filling out apps that I've done a lot of stuff, mostly jobs that I didn't list on my employment history, because they were... well... silly. I'm sure I've forgotten some of the weirder ones, for good reason!

Anyway, I've been sleeping a lot lately, which may have to do with the fact that I'm eating once a day. Payday is tomorrow, so that will no longer be an issue. I've never been more excited to go grocery shopping in my life!

Future sister in law morphed my picture and hers with the caption of, "If you and Mark have a daughter, this is what she'd look like when she grows up." My opposition to having children just keeps getting strengthened... lol.

Morphthing.com

This site allows you to morph two people's faces together, and the results are... creepy yet fun.
It takes a bit to get your photos ready to morph, but it's worth it!

So here you have it: My offspring with Mark.


And then I just morphed my photo with people that I think are attractive.

Angelina
Carmen Electra
Tyra
Marilyn
And... Yoda



Anyway... if you do this, let me see it!!! :P

My First...

Sleepy eyed and rushed, I began my journey - once again, time was against me. There were no obstacles ahead of me, and I used this to my advantage; I hastened my pace in order to compensate for my lack of time. My stomach reminded me that I should have taken care of my hunger before departing, and my mind was adrift with thoughts of pancakes and eggs and bacon.

I became his target. The hunted.
Blue and Red Lights. He was agile and the chase was over almost before it started.
I alerted him of my surrender and pulled over.

THOSE MOTORCYCLE COPS COME OUT OF NOWHERE!

Today, I started my day with my first speeding ticket.

I'm not upset about it. I'm actually a bit amused.

The reason I got my ticket was not because I was speeding; it was because I was speeding and not paying attention. My reasoning is as follows:

• I always speed.
• I always am on the lookout for police when I do so.
• I manage to spot them quickly and adjust and/or there is some schmuck near me going faster and they get pulled over instead.
• I tend to think I am pretty darn lucky 90% of the time.

So he was brief about it, I acknowledged that I was speeding... it was a very pleasant exchange. He was totally nice... except for the whole "I'm still giving you a ticket" thing. And as I sat there and waited for my citation... I was laughing at myself. Maybe it's because it was so minor, because I have bigger fish to fry in my life right now... I don't know. He handed me my ticket and I actually said, "thank you!" in the most sincere and pleasant manner.

Who does that???? Who on earth thanks a cop for writing them a ticket??????


The whole thing was a bit reassuring... if he managed to get me, someone who is a considerate yet hurried driver... then the probability of him catching one of those maniac jackasses who cut people off and go waaaay too fast is pretty good, right? I hope my logic is correct.
So for now, I've slowed down a bit... and I'm watching out for the 5-0.

The best part?? My boss arrived at work 5 minutes after I did. Had I taken my time, I still would have arrived before her, albeit late.

How Can I Tell You?

How can I tell you that I love you, I love you
but I can't think of right words to say
I long to tell you that I'm always thinking of you
I'm always thinking of you, but my words
just blow away, just blow away
It always ends up to one thing, honey
and I can't think of right words to say
Wherever I am girl, I'm always walking with you
I'm always walking with you, but I look and you're not there
Whoever I'm with, I'm always, always talking to you
I'm always talking to you, and I'm sad that
you can't hear, sad that you can't hear
It always ends up to one thing, honey,
when I look and you're not there
I need to know you, need to feel my arms around you
feel my arms around you, like a sea around a shore
and -- each night and day I pray, in hope
that I might find you, in hope that I might
find you, because heart's can do no more
It always ends up to one thing honey, still I kneel upon the floor
How can I tell you that I love you, I love you
but I can't think of right words to say
I long to tell you that I'm always thinking of you
I'm always thinking of you....
It always ends up to one thing honey
and I can't think of right words to say

A Thumbs Up

So after our fantastic weekend, it was time to get Mark back to Utah. We had to get up at some ungodly hour in order to get him to the airport on time, with a little time to spare. We've He's missed enough flights in the past, so we don't even joke about being late anymore, even though there is a little brat inside of me that purposely wants to drive slow so that he won't leave me and go to Utah. ::insert hissy fit here::

It was about 6am, we were about halfway to the airport and we were deep in coversation. One of those, "I forgot I was driving" sort of conversations that can only take place on the road.
I don't really remember what we were talking about, but I was describing something and he was asking me my opinion on it... to which I replied with a big thumbs up.
I never give a thumbs up, so I'm sure he thought that was a little odd. But it wasn't until he noticed that I had my gazed fixed on something in front of the car that he looked over to see who the hell I was so intently giving a thumbs up to....

The Weekend

The wedding was amazing.

I looked fantastic.

Mark looked even better.

And, of course, we didn't take any pictures.
Actually, we snapped a few on Mark's phone, but after several requests, he has yet to send them to me. The wedding photographer took a bunch as well (because we're so good looking) so I am waiting to get a hold of those.

The best part of the evening was watching Mark interact with people that I've known and respected for while; they had heard so much about him in the last few months and were all excited to meet him, and he managed to impress every last one. Which really isn't some great feat... because he's just fantastic anyway. He didn't have to try to win anyone over, he was just his wonderful self.
It's just nice to know that he can fend for himself and that I didn't have to worry about him at all. Now that I think about it, he kinda upstaged me! ::gasp::

Another highlight of the evening was meeting the groom's two sons and their girlfriends. We were seated at the same table and had a ridiculously good time. There was no awkwardness and we all just got along as if we'd been friends for years. Again, Mark was fantastic. And I had too much wine. I knew this because my Caesar salad was hilarious and I kept clanging my silverware against everything in an attempt to have control over my motor functions.

And of course, it being a wedding.....
I couldn't even walk the next day.

not because I had a debilitating sexual encounter, but because I wore high shoes and danced all night and I woke up with painful and swollen feet.

We slept in until 11 the next day, went to lunch and a movie with Holly and MM.. and then just went home and were lazy for the remainder of the evening. It was really nice.

He left early early Monday a.m... and I'm proud to say that I only sobbed for 5 miles after dropping him off at the airport.

Best weekend ever. :D

update: I found pictures!!

The official goal is...

30 lbs in 3 months.

I set up a fitness/diet plan for the next four months. As much as I'd like to just lose the weight and say, "Look at how good I am!" the fact is that I am getting outside help for this.
Because honestly, if I don't start now... will I ever?

My hunny is coming home tomorrow! And the wedding is Saturdaaaaaaaaaay and I'm oh so excited.

G'nite!

Ummm..

I went to this fitness place for a test run on the machines. (Not literally a run; I only run after ice cream trucks.)
I stepped on the high tech scale and it said that I was 5 lbs lighter than I had thought. Yay.
Then it said I was obese. Then it said I had the metabolism of a 44 year old.
OBESE? Stupid scale. I don't even jiggle that much.

But you see... they say that 40 is the new 30.
Well, for me, 44 is the new 22. So take that.
I understand the error in my logic.. but I will pay no attention to it.


i'm in denial denial denial

The Great Escape

It was hot, I was panicking, I didn't know if I'd make it out alive. I could hardly breathe. I contemplated calling for help, but I didn't. I had gotten myself into this mess and I knew that only I could get myself out. "Please god, let me get out of this," I thought.
I almost gave up, but with patience and determination...
I managed to get out of the size 10 dress that I had somehow squeezed myself into.
I'm surprised that I didn't dislocate my shoulder.

I had to be absolutely positive that it wouldn't fit before I headed out to find a new dress. It didn't.. at all. No way.

I'm not a fan of shopping. I like acquiring new things, but the whole "why can't this just fit???" thing really makes me dread trying on anything. But you know what? Today wasn't bad. I'm chubby, I'm working on it, so whatever. I found a dress that I absolutely ADORE, not only because I look great in it, but also because it was on sale for about $100 less than the original price. I really really lucked out.

I'm not letting my weight get the best of me this time. I don't care that a friend commented, "You better not eat for a week!" as she zipped up my dress. I'm chubby and I'm totally going to work it. I'm going to have a good time... and I'm going to look good. Like every other woman, I have been waaaaaay too hard on myself. For the past five years, I've really disliked my body but never really did anything about it except complain.

My dress is a size 12. I am embracing it because this will be the last time that it fits me snugly. This is my chubbiness grand finale. And I'll smile the entire time, because dammit, I'm beautiful.

What the..

I'm a few days behind this, but if you haven't seen this yet, take a look. Hang on to your wallet and keep your mouth closed.

Executive Order: Blocking Property of Certain Persons Who Threaten Stabilization Efforts in Iraq

I'm really not going to comment on it because I've lost all motivation and energy to form any opinion about politics. Normally I'd be all over this, but this administration has really just been one disappointment after another. Hopefully I'll bounce back in a few years... what is a shame is that a lot of people that I know have also lost interest in our government, so I can imagine the wide-scale impact this administration has had on people ages 18-26... and just about everyone else who isn't stubbornly hanging on to the republican ticket.

See, no comment at all.

On a lighter note... One week until my love comes back... just a quick weekend stay in order to attend a fantastic wedding that I have been looking forward to since forever. I still need to buy a dress, which reminds me...

On a heavier note... in an attempt to be on a "diet", foods that I would normally never eat, like McDonald's and other unhealthy things, have suddenly become so very appealing to me. And it doesn't help that there were THREE birthdays in the first week of my diet. THREE. That's Cake x 3. You can't not eat cake on someone's birthday...

And for some reason, by becoming regimented about what I eat and when, I've also become very imaginative about what I would rather be eating... so I don't feel that I've lost any weight whatsoever. I feel like I've gained weight, although that may not be true... I am not stepping on that scale until a week from now. I'm just going to be a good girl.

NO MORE BIRTHDAYS!
CANT YOU SEE THAT I AM DIETING????